20th December 2013

I can't believe that Christmas is only 5 days away. What a year it has been.  As I wrap my presents and get ready for this festive period I have to reflect on what has been a very hard year for most of us.

I have not had such a hard year since, well I can't remember when!  This has been both emotionally and physically draining and like I said in my last blog, I am so very tired.

I have remained positive throughout this whole process and it has become my full time job!  Sometimes you have to take a step back and just breathe. I need to, one day take in the whole process and actually smile at how far I have come.  I have not yet been able to do this but I really hope I will be able to soon.

I have not missed Clive at all.  It is a strange feeling to know that he is no longer around. But I still hold a rather scared feeling that he is hiding behind something ready to pop out at any moment.

I have been reluctant to really breath in fear that it is not quite over.  It is a funny feeling when you are so near the end and you can see the light but there is still such a long road ahead.  I'm still clambering my way through the darkness but my eyes are opening slowly.

Like you all know my radiotherapy starts on the 2nd January and I cannot wait.  I cannot wait to have normality back in my life.  I went to see my work colleagues today and it made me so excited to get back to work.  I want to be me again, just Alex Corker again, not Alex Corker cancer patient.  I never liked that title and so I will be happy to return it although the sadness that thousands of women will have that tag attached to them in the future makes me very anxious.

For now though I must be selfish and just think about myself.

I am not going to be afraid to smile on Christmas day.  On this day I will literally forget, maybe with the help of lots of bubbles.  (Whatever helps)  To look around me and feel blessed at what I have achieved.  And to be thankful to know that I have had so many wonderful people that have literally been behind me ready to catch me when I fall has been a life saver.

I want all my loved ones to take a step back too.  I want us all to just relax.  I am vary aware at how draining this year has been for all those around me.  I feel as if they all need a much needed break too.

For new year I am planning on having a few drinks and a dance with my best friend Charlotte and a couple of others.  I thought about boycotting it but then I realised that I needed to celebrate the end of it.  Saying goodbye to this year will help me to release a lot of anger that I think I have held in. 

I am going to start the next year off with a bang.  And as I have hit rock bottom there is only one way up and I am going to enjoy the new journey.

I still don't recognise the girl standing in front of me.  The old me has long gone.  I don't think she will be returning any time soon but will I miss her?  That will only be answered when this whole process is over.  For now I cannot even mourn her, I cannot shed a tear for her.  I will just enjoy the moment with whoever this new person is and think about her next year.

Just before I go and get ready for a much needed break (emotional break!) I wanted to tell you all that I have started to write a book.  It is loosely based on my blogs but a more in depth version.  It is what I would like to call a self help book.  It is my story with tips and strategies on how to remain calm and positive throughout this process. It is not only for cancer suffers but for anyone who needs a bit of extra strength and hope.  Like I always say, if you can beat the hardest challenge of your life, life does become that little bit easier.

When it is available I will let you all know,(that is if you all want to read it!)

To all my beautiful friends and amazing family and loyal readers for whom have kept reading and supporting from afar I wish you all a very merry Christmas.

I will speak to you all again n the new year.  Bring on 2014!!

Love to you all

xx

14th December 2013…..

Things have been better since the last time I wrote.  I think apart of me was having a downer and allowing myself to have one.

We all need a moan occasionally to get it out of our system.  I have cried and I have wiped away my tears.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure there will be more days like that to come but for now I feel okish.

I have had my CT scan to help determine my radiotherapy.  Now that is a story!

I never knew that radiotherapy was personal to that specific person.  I thought it was just a standard procedure.  How wrong I was.  They gave me a CT scan to evaluate where the tumour was and to accurately zap that location and any breast tissue surrounding where Clive had been so they can completely evaporate him forever.(we hope)

So I am waiting to go in.  My makeup looks awful, my hair is a mess and I am sitting in a hospital gown.  Not looking my best lets just say.  Then I hear a voice, this deep husky accented voice call my name.  I get up and standing before me is a vision!  Great is all I could think.  I look like shit and I have finally seen a cute doctor/radiologist/scanner man, whatever he was.

I couldn't look at him directly because I kept giggling.  I thought that he was just showing me to where I had to be and that would be it.  Oh no, he was the one to place me on the machine, undress me, lay me down and then continue to draw on my boobs!!  To make matters worse, I had my massive ugg boots on, just to make me look clumpy and the piste de resistance was that I hadn't shaved under my arms!  Only because of where my surgery was I can not yet shave.  Mortified is an understatement.  I could do nothing but laugh, to which he then laughed and asked what was so funny!  I could hardly say 'well you are totally gorgeous and I need lipgloss to make me look a little better, oh and sorry I haven't shaved!'

Sometimes having not so cute doctors is the way forward.  This whole ER/Greys Anatomy fantasy we all have blows out the window when it actually happens and you are lying there helpless and feeling like a complete prat.  There was no way to recuperate from this situation.  Ten minutes felt like forever.

But after all that, I was given a start date for my treatment.  I was put forward for a trial where they only give you treatment to the exact place where the tumour had been and they leave any good tissue alone.  I however am not eligible for this trial as my surgeon did not put 'clips' to mark where my tumour had been and so they could not accurately get a good enough reading.

So I will have 4 1/2 weeks of radiotherapy starting on the 2nd January.  Happy New Year to me.

It is a good start I guess, and like I said from the beginning.  By the time I am 32(I can not believe that is my age)  I will be Clive free and ready to start 2014 with a smile on my face and my health which I will never take for granted again!

I am excited and nervous.  Like I have said before the thought of just being better and the doctors saying, 'ok your done' is very daunting.  They will never say I am healed as there will always be that worry that clive will come back and that will scare me for the rest of my life but as I always say, live in the moment, not for tomorrow nor for yesterday just for now so that is what I intend to do.

I am slowly starting to learn how to style my hair.  I have almost had to change my whole appearance to look like I 'own' this hair style.  It's a work in progress but it is growing and that is a start.  My lashes are taking longer and this is irritating.  More than the hair actually as now I just look like I have this haircut, where as the lashes need to come to help accentuate my eyes.  I have everything I need to help them grow, serum, revitalise, you name it I have it so fingers crossed I just wake up one day and poof they will appear.

I have had no side effects to tamoxifen as yet, but it has only been a week so we'll see!

I am looking forward to Christmas.  I am looking forward to really celebrating and spending time with my family, friends and generally resting and taking time off.  I am not working as my arm is still healing and radio is happening so soon but I will as soon as I can, so for now the enjoyment of doing nothing is lovely.

All in all on the outside I am healing nicely.  To anyone walking along next to me would never ever know I was a cancer patient.  They do not see what I see.  And I am glad.

On the inside, I am still healing.  Like I said this will take longer.  I wish I could explain how I feel but I can't and at the same time I am glad, for I would never want anyone to truly understand because they would have to go through this first.  So I sit quietly and try to heal in private.

As long as the outside looks ok, the inside will soon follow.

xx

5th December 2013

Sitting in the doctors surgery hearing them say Clive has completely gone should have made me jump for joy. I should have been smiling the entire day.  Don't get me wrong I was very happy but there was still something missing.

It was as if I felt like I needed to be happier. An anti climax if you like. The trouble is he has still left scarring and a lot of pain. Pain I didn't think I could feel. 

I'm not talking about the scars on the outside. They will heal and fade till I forget they were ever there. 

It's the scars on the inside that will take slightly longer to heal. Literally!! Both the physical aspect and my own scars that have built up over time. 

I had all my lymph nodes removed so now where the surgeon has operated, my tissue has hardened, making my arm sensitive, painful and numb. Weird to explain! It's the underneath, you know, where us girls like to call bingo wings! It's completely tightened.  And I constantly feel as if I am carrying a brick in my arm pit!  

I can only reach to shoulder height. I need to reach higher. My breast care nurse told me that my arm needs to have full mobility before I start radiotherapy. 

So I did what she said and started to massage under my arm and in my arm pit.  I started to stretch my arm up to the ceiling. I couldn't do it.  I tried but the pain was too much to bare.  I felt queezy and faint and eventually started to cry. 

Why am I crying? I don't know. My arm will get better, I know it will but I'm tired of Clive. I'm tired of trying to beat him. Clearly I'm winning so why am I still trying to compete! 

My arm and the pain are just another reminder that he will never go away. He will fade along with my scars but not completely. He will never leave me completely. 

I will also have to always watch my arm for infection, cuts, swelling etc. Forever!

The other worry is my fertility. I may not have a man in my life now but I will and to have a family is my dream like most women. I never knew how much I wanted children until the possibility of not being able too scared me! 

Surely Clive can't take away everything. 

On the plus side and we all know I like a silver lining,  (I can not possibly be this sad without knowing that there is always hope), is that over time I will get stronger physically and mentally. Clive's presence like any ex will become an irrelevant noise and memory. I will laugh at how stupid I was and remind myself with my scars that I am stronger now than I ever was. That to me is the greatest gift I will have and the greatest power I will own.  

Until that day when I wake up and I don't feel the pain anymore or the worry, I will keep my head up high and keep surviving.  That is what we all are doing I suppose.   

I will start 5 weeks of radiotherapy after Christmas and the dreaded tamoxifen. 

I hear so many bad stories and a few good about tamoxifen. The worst is weight gain! Vain I know but you all know me by now so no shocker there! Maybe I will be a lucky one. 

I did talk to my oncologist about children. He reassured me that when the time is right and my fertility has not been robbed I will be able to come off tamoxifen and have a family. 

I joked 'with or without a man'!!  He asked the dreaded question, 'why are you single Alex?'  My reply was 'I wasted too much time on the wrong men and never enough time loving the right men.'

Not anymore.  Life is happening. I'm not waiting for the right time any more with anything.... The right time could have been yesterday.  Plus let's face it I'm not getting any younger! God I never thought I would say that at 31!! 

My positivity has not gone. I haven't given up hope. It is still lingering in the background.   I know I will make a full recovery, but as I am starting to see the light I am becoming slightly fearful.  I am becoming irritable and emotional.  I have forgotten who I was before Clive.  She has disappeared and I fear gone forever.

Maybe it's just time for a break.  A christmas break.

Maybe, just maybe it really is time to cry. And not be ashamed of being vulnerable. 

We all need a break sometimes and I'm knackered! 

Xx 

25th November 2013.. 1 week on

It has been a week since I had my operation. I can't believe how quickly everything has gone! 

I am healing nicely (I think). On the outside I still have my drain in, 24/7. I sleep, shower and go out with this little bag. It's really cramping my style! It's also very frustrating that I can't sleep properly nor can I shower properly. I'm not feeling 100% clean right now because I can't get my stitches or wound wet. 

In one week I will meet with my surgeon to make sure that they have clear margins. This means that the surgeon has to make sure that all of Clive has been removed. If not they have to go back in. This will not sit well with me. 

I'm so close to the finish line that any set back will devestate me.  So far during this whole process nothing has gone wrong. I just hope that continues. Plus I am loving that Clive has gone. 

Am I healing in the inside. Slowly but surely. 

I do feel strange, in a good way. 

Somehow I feel cleansed and new and clean inside like they have removed the devil from me and thrown holy water over the wound. It sounds crazy but I just feel relieved like I'm healed. Even though I'm not out of the woods just yet. 

Again I had a real 'I miss my hair' day the other night. I was looking through old photos and I felt rather nostalgic. It sounds so ridiculous to miss something so superficial but to me hair symbolised my femininity which now I dont feel like I have. 

Luckily after watching the X factor Sunday night, and seeing Jessie J perform made me more confident about the hair. She has died it back dark and has spiked it up. So guess what? I tried to copy. It actually looked ok. I've still got a way to go but I will get there. 

I had my nails done again and my eyelashes are really growing  thanks to revitelash. (It really does work). All these little things are helping me find me again. Soon enough I will be back to the old corker, big hair, big eyelashes big curves! 

Like I said my transformation from being me to being someone I didn't recognise was hard but finding me again will be fun too I guess. I may end up finding a new part of me that I like even better. Who knows!! 

All I know right now is Christmas is coming up and whether I have radiotherapy or not I am enjoying life and learning to love the new and hopefully improved me. 

I am healing on the inside and outside and that is making me happier than I've been in a long time :-) 

19th November 2013...Clive has finally got the message and pissed off with a little help from my surgeon

After 6 months of living with an annoying lump I named Clive, he has finally gone. 

I am writing this blog at 3.30 am from my hospital bed because I can't sleep. I have been dosing for about half an hour and now I'm just chilling out. 

I will not lie, going to the bathroom was interesting. I have a wonderful drip attached to me. This will be my mate for the next week or so.  It's making me feel very uneasy! 

I am on oxygen because my breathing is up and down and I am scared to move around in fear of the pain. 

I look simply wonderful haha 

As you can see I'm still trying to pout!! Look at the eyebrows though! Perfect! 

Thank goodness for morphine!! Waking up from the operation was very strange. Weak is no way strong enough to describe. Drowsy maybe, out of it is what I was. The morphine was great and whatever painkillers they put me on, a godsend. 

I am comfortable in my bed, the nurse on call is wonderful and I love my little button at the side of me to ring if I need anything. I may purchase a bell for home ;-) 

I'm flipping starving and I've already asked what's for breakfast! I've got to wait till 8.30. I've only eaten a sand which in over 24hrs. Yum! 

My emotions are all over the shop.  A little to do with the drugs I suspect. But no real tears as yet,  just the thought of them.   To know that Clive has gone is a huge relief. I am nearly there. It's nearly over. 

The thought of being able to see the finish line makes me feel so extremely wonderful and so unbelievay anxious and nervous. Strange I know. 

My main focus right now though is to get better. Getting my strength and using my very sore right arm to punch Clive in the face (metaphorically of course!) 

The rest will be dealt with at a later date. Emotions.... I just don't have time for you right now :-) 

Xx 

13th November 2013...what a week we have all had

Wow is all I can say. What a week I have had. Since I last wrote, my gorgeous charity workers and I were at the final stages of organising our first charity ball. 

The whole week was filled with mixed emotions. I was working for most of it and we were all rushing around trying to pick up the last of the prizes, calling the bank etc. just making sure everything was in place ready for the night. 

The day of the ball, we were all stressed, excited, rushed, tired and proud. We all knew it would be a good night but nothing could have prepared us for what can only be described as epic! 

All of a sudden guests had arrived and boom we had ourselves a party. 

Everyone was on form, happy, ready to dance the night away. Everyone's pockets were filled with cash. Everyone was laughing, joking and drinking! I think the jaeger bomb was the drink of choice for the evening! It certainly was mine! I lost count. I'm sure my doctor would frown upon the amount I drunk! I blame the guests ;-) 

I even managed a speech, don't ask me what I said. I can't remember. 

I felt so so proud and overwhelmed by the generosity, love and strength from every person in that room. 

I know my family were extremely proud as were my friends. Our total raised was a staggering £43,139.08!! 

A good night wouldn't you say? I could go on and on but I won't, memories for those who were there will stay for a very long time. (There are pictures, they are being edited as we speak).

Be Bald Be Beautiful has also been selected as a community matters charity in weybridge waitrose so pick up your green tokens. 

The slug and lettuce in weybridge are hosting a wig night in honour of the charity so come down and celebrate life and stick a finger up to cancer! 

It really is all going on and next year we will continue to go global. (Laugh away but it will happen.) We have loads of plans so watch this space. 

So how am I generally? Very well is what I am. It has been 4 weeks since my last chemo and I already feel like my energy is coming back. I am starting to slowly get used to my hair. I don't like my reflection still but I will learn to love myself again. Time is what I need. 

My lashes are growing and tomorrow I travel to Essex to have my second dose of eyebrow tattooing!! 

Yesterday I had my first herceptin treatment without chemo. The day was easy although it took them 2 attempts to find a vein! What I don't like is I have to go back to the chemotherapy ward, every 3 weeks for a year. 

I want to be cured and forget, but the treatment goes on along with the tamoxifen I will take for the next 5 years. 

My operation is on Monday. Good riddance Clive. Get him out once and for all!! I am excited and nervous. I don't like being immobile. But hopefully I won't be in bed for long. 

All this time I have refused to let Clive win, he sure as hell won't keep me down after this! 

So all in all everything seems to be heading in the right direction. I took the right path down that yellow brick road. And with a little help from my gorgeous family and courageous friends I know now more than ever that I will beat this. 

I have to face the fact that Clive will stay within my memory forever. But it will get easier. 

The ongoing treatment will be a reminder of strength not weakness.

How can I be sad? On the outside, with a charity that will raise so much money and help women feel beautiful, a blog that hopefully is helping so many and an army of people behind me, I can only smile. 

How I feel inside will eventually smile too. 

Xx 

6th November 2013 getting there

I had my first hair appointment in nearly 4 months! Oh how I missed it. For me going to the hairdressers was a day out. I would sit and drink coffee, read magazines and generally relax whilst I was made to look better again. It usually took around 4 hours in total. 

This trip was a lot shorter. My hairdresser trimmed my Peter Pan/mullet into a chiq crop then died it a darker shade of brunette. I wanted to go back to my 'original' colour but it was not meant to be. Not yet anyway. 

It took 45 minutes to achieve this look. It was also £100 cheaper!! See there is always a silver lining! 

I look at myself in the mirror and I still don't recognise this girl staring back at me but I'm starting to like her. It takes a while to get used too. Hair completely changes all aspects of you with out ever realising. 

I don't know who to be, what makeup to wear. Someone said to me it was very Parisian and very Chanel. (How do they act?) 

That did cheer me up. Apparently I do have a face for short hair! Again we'll see in a years time what people really thought. 

In my head when I talk to people I still have my blonde hair. I imagine it is tied up on top of my head, as I can't feel it. It is only when I get a glimpse of my reflection that for a split second I ask who that girl is. 

Anyone who has lost their hair will understand this.

As for the rest of me. Well for the time being I look like an ordinary girl. Not a 'cancer' patient. Since I ditched the scarves I just look like a girl with very short fair. Funny, I have had a few more looks than normal. People are now judging the haircut. Probably wondering why anyone would cut their hair this way.

I want to shout at them, 'I have cancer' but I can't. It is almost like I need a reason for it. Even though I don't look like a cancer sufferer at all, I feel like that is my new identity and people need to know. 

It has taught me not to judge. Everyone has a story. No matter what someone changes about themselves sometimes it's not a choice and if it is then great. We are only humans experimenting with life. 

I haven't cried since my midnight outburst. I haven't really had time! 

This Friday is my charities first event to raise money and awareness for younger women with breast cancer. 

Henrietta, Charlotte, Katie, Katie and myself started up be bald be beautiful. Not forgetting Timmy and Nat(although living in LA she has been there in spirit) This charity is to help and encourage beauty from the inside out. To make young girls still feel gorgeous with or without hair. Our aim eventually will be to open a spa for cancer sufferers to be pampered and made to feel special. 

We have over 200 people coming to Wentworth golf club to help us raise money but to also celebrate life. It is a special occasion and I want everyone to enjoy it. Including us lot. Stressed or not! 

So like I said, through all the anger, hurt, pain, frustration and lack of control there are always positives. This ball is our positive. It will be the event if the year! (I like to think big) 

So with all this going on, plus I have been working a lot, I am simply me again. For the time being anyway. Clive has shrunk so much that I have stopped thinking about him. 

My operation will clear him out for good. 

Once he has gone, and I have had radiotherapy and I'm all clear. Well that will be a different story and maybe harder than I realise. 

Let's just focus on the now. For now I'm happy. 

Xx 

28th October 2013

I'm starting to resemble Peter Pan!!

My hair is growing upwards.  Oh and its very fluffy.  It is thick at the back and at the crown but slightly thin at the front.  Before too long it will be a mullet.  I am not sure how I feel about this.

I have ditched the scarves.  They were my comfort blanket.  I liked that I could hide this awful mousy brown/grey thing on top of my head.  Now I have no excuse.  Chemo is over and there are women out there who are brave enough to embrace their hair cuts, some shorter than mine.  At some point I knew that I would have to take a breath and realise that this is me.....take it or leave it.

The hair envy is still there but now I am trying to channel Natalie Portman after her film V for Vendetta.  No, I know I look nothing like her but I am trying to pretend.  Fantasy is so much better than reality wouldn't you agree?

My sleep pattern is slightly better than before.  Like you all know I had 3 nights where I literally did not sleep.  It was horrendous.  I tried everything to sleep.  I drunk camomile tea, I read a book, I counted sheep (never quite understood that) and yet nothing worked.  I eventually went to stay with my mother by the coast and she tried everything too.  Luckily a change of scenery was what I needed and I am getting at least 5 hours sleep.  It is not a lot for me, (I like 8 hours) but it is enough for me to try and function as a human rather than a zombie.  My skin is resembling a healthier glow with the help of a spray tan.  Not so grey, but more of an orange tint.  It really is better!!

So last time I wrote I was also a little lost.  A little stuck at the crossroads of the yellow brick road.  I still am to a point but I am starting to stop worrying so much about the little things.  I will find my way I always do in the end.  Sometimes when you stop searching and worrying you find that life just happens.

One thing I have realised throughout all this is that I want more stability in life.  Weird to some but for me, I want to invest in my future.  I have been house hunting and found the perfect place.  It is not in Weybridge but nearer to my mother in Emsworth.  I am still near to my friends, (50 minutes away is not far)  yet property is so much cheaper down here.  When I am fully recovered and have been given the all clear my life can begin again. 

As for my emotions.  I sat in my bed on one of the nights that I could not sleep and I cried.  No I sobbed.  My tears just fell onto the duvet.  Onto my skin.  I could feel them and no quicker was I wiping them dry were they returning.  It is a very hard, very long journey and when I figure it out in my own head you guys will be the first to know.

Until then, know this.  Life is not as bad as it could be.   I may have hit a stop sign down the yellow brick road but I think I know what path I want to take.  If the witch gets me so be it.  If I can deal with Clive I can deal with her, whatever and whoever she or it shall be.

xx

23rd October... The start of something normal

I'm lying on my couch thinking about how I'm never going to feel the pain of side effects of chemotherapy again!

It's a lovely feeling. But what now? 

Stupid question to some, but those reading this going through treatment will get it or soon will.

The worst is over wouldn't you agree? Everything can go back to normal. 

Although there is so much good happening I still feel so impatient.

Please let me be clear.  I am happy.  Very happy that this part of my life has come to an end.  But on my glorious journey down the yellow brick road I have hit the cross roads.

Clive is still here. He's still in me, haunting me, making me question everything I do. I still can't have a simple thing as a massage without a doctors note! 

It's a very controlling relationship this one! 

In my mind I wanted my life back the minute chemo was over. All of a sudden my hair would grow long again. My eyelashes would come back and I would feel like me again. But why would I feel like me with hair and eyelashes? I don't understand why I feel like that. I haven't changed.  I know there's more too it,  I'm just not sure what it is yet. Or maybe I do and I am not ready to admit it.

Somehow I feel as though if I can control the physical appearance,  the emotional side effects will be easier to deal with.  Maybe it is the lack of control in so many ways that frustrates me. 

Yesterday I stared at myself in the mirror. Really stared. I haven't slept. Not properly slept in about 2 months. I have broken sleep. I wake up around 3 and can't go back. For the last 3 nights I literally have not had a wink of sleep. I get so hot then cold then hot. Really these hot flushes are so much fun! 

I looked at myself and just thought... Oh my god. I looked awful. Simply awful. I'm pale(and believe me I'm never pale) gaunt and so tired. In fact I looked grey! It wasn't a nice sight. It's the end result of a very long and painful three months. 

My sister tells me I look good. I know she's lying. I laugh and joke and say that in a years time she'll tell me the truth and that I really did look like crap! 

The grey complexion is really not helping. No amount of make up can get rid of it! The dark circles under the eyes that are so sunken nothing can get rid. You know girls... The time when you can apply and apply and apply make up and it just doesn't do anything but mix with your complexion. Whatever grey and nude makes, that's the colour. It's not an easy colour to name! 

Maybe tea bags and cucumber could be the next thing to put on my to do list! And a hell of a lot of sleeping tablets!! Herbal just don't cut the mustard. 

I keep getting hair envy. Everywhere I turn there are girls with beautiful hair and I'm jealous. Considering I'm probably going to grow a mullet I should be! 

I'm gonna wear my wig more. I love hats. Hats with no hair makes me look ill! Hats with hair, good look! And when my hair is long enough I will have extensions put in. Until then I will keep measuring it and buying any shampoo that has the potential to make it grow.

I have 5 weeks until my operation to remove Clive. Who knows what will grow in 5 weeks. A lot I would think. 

In 5 weeks I will have a better colour. It'll be a fake one mind you. A spray tan does wonders to the skin and believe me, I'll be having a few!! Its great to live with someone who can literally drip feed me tan!

The sleep, maybe not so great.  There is something on my mind.  I know it.

As for the emotional side.  Lets just deal with one thing at a time.  Its like a puzzle I guess, little by little.

I guess I won't know anything until I finally reach Oz and ask the wizard. 

Xx 

17th October 2013....And my chemotherapy is over.

I feel exhilarated, drained, happy, sad, lost and overwhelmed.  I had this date in my diary since the start of this first hurdle.  I can't believe I am finally at the end of it.

I sat in that chair today looking around at all the women.  Most of them were new.  They looked scared, asking so many questions to the ladies next to them.  Living the unknown.  Just like I was 3 months ago.  Scared and anxious, fearing the future.

I couldn't quite believe I was walking out of that door today saying goodbye to the hardest time in my life.  I burst into tears, I could not help myself.  My mother just held me and patted my back.  She felt it too.  She has been with me through every chemotherapy session.  She has experienced it all with me.  The pain, the tiredness, the anger and the hope.  She has been through it all.  She definitely felt it today.

And yes it has been.  The hardest 3 months of my life.  I can only think of one other time that drained me so emotionally that it took time to recover.  Something I am still to this day trying to over come.  This hurdle is no different and I fear that for the rest of my life I will remember what I have been through.

Not with sorrow or pain, but of strength.  If I can get through this I feel I can get through anything.  I feel strong, successful and powerful ready to start the next chapter.  Clive is ready to leave.  I feel that he knows it too.  He has lost the fight and is going down with no power left.  I have won.  This round anyway.

My operation is set as you all know for the 18th of November.  So I get to enjoy the next 5 weeks of chilling out, working hard for our charity event and also an event that is being held in my honour and for our charity at the Slug and Lettuce in Weybridge on the 16th November.

There are good times ahead.

So what I would like to share with those of you who have just started treatment, or for those who are going through it and are struggling a little.  My advice for all of you, the ways I coped and kept me strong.  They will not work for all of you but maybe a few will stick.

1.  Drink.  Water, water and more water.  At some point it will lose all taste.  I suggest adding fresh lemon to it to give it a sweeter taste.  Drink the day before the day of and the day after chemo to wash out all the toxins and to give your body cleanliness.

2.  Exercise.  I went to the gym 5 days a week for the 2 weeks that I felt ok.  I did not always do hard core workouts but I did cardio and some weights.  It helped to clear my mind, make me feel strong and helped me mentally.  To feel like I was fighting and staying the same as I always was helped me a lot.

3.  Try not to lose who you are.  Still go out, still socialise, still maintain normal day to day activities.  Remember, Cancer does not control you, you control the cancer.  The moment you let it consume you, is the day it wins.

4.  Like number 3 if you can still try and work.  I only worked towards the end, 3 days for 1 of the weeks, but it kept me living a normal life.  Yes I am a cancer patient, but I am still Alex.  I never wanted to lose my identity as a strong lady ready to fight.

5.  Try and get up when you feel ready after the side effects have worn off.  I got up and dressed everyday.  I put make up on every day.  I colour co ordinated my scarfs with my outfits.  I made cancer fit to me and not the other way around.  I, to the outside world did not look like a 'cancer patient'.  Something I never wanted to be.

6.  Stay positive.  Stay focused.  I knew from day 1 that this would not beat me.  I listened to my gut.  To the pit of my stomach and I knew that I would live.  Cry when you need to but stay strong.  Life will carry on and so should you.

7. Eat well but do indulge.  After a while you will unfortunately lose your taste buds as I did.  I ate what I wanted but still ate fresh vegetables and fresh red meat and protein.   I also took Vitamin D tablets once a day for my immune system.  They, I felt worked.  Maybe it is the power of the unconscience mind but who cares.  If you believe something is woking it will.  If you can maintain a healthy weight it will make you feel better.  I have put on 6 lbs.  I am annoyed but it could have been worse.

8.  I used the cold cap but I did shave my hair off.  For those of you scared to go bald, even though bald is beautiful do try the cold cap.  It hurts and it is uncomfortable and you look like a total prat but give it a go.  I lost my hair but managed to keep my root.  It is worth it.  (Even though I cant go near a freezer or air conditioning in fear of feeling how I do at chemo!)  My doctor was the one who persuaded me to keep it going even when I was ready to give up.

These are the things that I stuck with.  Sometimes it was a struggle.  Sometimes I wanted to lock myself away and cry but I couldn't and I will not.  Maybe when it is all over, but not yet.  Not until I know for sure that Clive has disappeared and never to return.

Lastly let your friends and family help.  I have had the most overwhelming support and I never quite knew how much I was loved until I needed it the most.  Nor did I quite know how much I loved until you are put in this position.  Love is a very powerful thing, embrace it.  It helps.

So now I am being over sentimental. I cant help it.  I am not jumping for joy right now but I have a feeling of relief.  And I am so tired I could sleep for a month.  I obviously won't.  But I will allow myself a week of pain like all my other side effects but know it will be the last time.

Everything after this will be a breeze so I have been told.  I hope so.  Chemotherapy is no walk in the park but I do feel I have got off lightly.  I believe that positivity in life is the key to success.  That has helped me get through this and it will continue to do so until the day I die.

Life is funny, it throws you a curve ball and you just need to know how to react.  Like I always say, everything happens for a reason.  I think I know why this has happened to me, I just won't jinx it yet.

As I heard a few months back, God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.  I must be one strong lady!!

xx

11th October 2013.....Clive has been obliterated and ready to leave

There are always nerves when you have an appointment to see the doctor.  The what if's return in great force.

I can't help it, there they are!  Staring at me in black and white flashing back and forth in my mind.  Being positive is great, and I have been through out all of this, but at some point there have to be questions.  If there were no what if's and something awful happened I would be devastated. As they say when you are on top you have further to fall. So I always keep in mind that not everything will go according to plan.

That being said, so far everything has gone EXACTLY how I wanted it too.  I have been very pleased with everything.  At the start of this cruel and daunting journey I placed in my diary the dates in which I thought everything would happen.  So far I have been right on schedule.

So the Monday just gone I had the first ultrasound appointment since they inserted the coil.  My hopes were that Clive had shrunk.  I did not know exactly how much he would have but my hopes were a lot.

Like I had said previously I could tell that he was disappearing but you never quite know.  Sometimes I wondered if I had felt it too much that I was imagining it shrinking!

My fear that the chemo had not been working as well as hoped was playing on my mind and I would have been told that I would need some more.

Luckily for me, that is far from the case.  Clive has shrunk to a quarter of the size and my lymph nodes are almost completely clear.  I cried.  The relief is so overwhelming that all I could do was let out some much needed release.

Tears of happiness that next week it will be the last chemotherapy session and I will look forward to the next stage.

I met with my surgeon on the Wednesday just gone.  She is a lovely lady named Isabelle Karat.  She explained the procedure to me and the risks involved.  There are down sides obviously in which I never really thought about.

As I am having a lumpectomy or breast preserving surgery as 'they' like to call it my right breast will always look slightly different to my left.  It will sink slightly, possibly to half a cup size smaller.  Oh good was my first thought.  She explained that I could wear prosthetics in my bras.  The sadness set in.

All my life I have had certain insecurities like all women.  It took me 30 years to finally be happy with the person I have become.  Before Clive I can honestly say that I felt the best I had ever felt.  Then he came along and screwed it all up.  It is like he knew.  He sensed my happiness and came to rip it apart.

To my mothers horror and embarrassment I then asked the next question.

Can I have a breast enlargement when this is all over?

Yes was the answer, thank god.  Luckily the surgeon was not shocked by this question and reassured me that lots of women have this procedure after a lumpectomy.  My surgeon can do the operation in around two years when I am completely healed.

To some this may sound like a ridiculous question but to me, anything to make this all seem like a bad dream is worth it.  I am not talking Jordan style breasts, just even ones would be nice!

The problem we all have is that Clive rips apart all that is feminine and pure.  Our hair, our nails, our eyelashes and then our breasts.  Everything that makes us women he takes away.  Like I said I want it back and I will grab it with both hands.

My appointment to get rid of Clive is the 18th November.  The exact date I had in my head at the beginning of all this.

The strange thing about all this is knowing that there is an end date in sight.  It feels like forever ago I was diagnosed yet only yesterday that I started treatment.  I suppose when you are engrossed in it, time always moves faster than expected.  Carrying on as if it were not there has been a life saver for me.

The what if's will still be around, for my surgery and radiotherapy. In fact they will be there for the rest of my life. There is no getting away from them.  The haunting feelings will follow me around.  But I guess taking it one day at  time is all I can do and have ever done. The future is for now, completely unknown.

xx

6th October 2013

I've forgotten what I look like with hair! I know that's strange because I have had hair all my life and I look at pictures all the time but I just can't picture it in my head. 

I look in the mirror and I look different. I can't explain it. I am the same person, I act the same, feel the same (although slightly more knackered) and everything about me is the same. But things have changed. 

I didn't want them too but inevitably things had too and I knew eventually I would be caught in the tide. 

It is the hair that changes everything. I miss it. I touched on the subject last blog but it's getting too me. I know it's silly. 

Day to day it's ok, I can deal with the scarves. I do like them. It's when I get ready to go out. I do my makeup, and that's it! There is no hair to roller, to curl and to volumise. I feel half done. Again if I wear my wig it's good but just a scarf. It doesn't quite have that va va voom! 

I stare at myself desperate to see the old me. The girl with the big blonde hair. I can't find her. She hasn't disappeared completely, I know she's in there, but she's lost her way. It's like she's taken the longer route down the yellow brick road! 

All roads inevitably end up at the same destination. Hopefully the Wizard will give me myself back soon enough. 

You would think that with everything going on, I would be focusing on getting better. That's what I hear often. If I moan about something or want something I'm told to just focus on getting better. 

I do you see, but as fate will have it, it's in his hands. I am doing all I can, there is nothing more I can do. So focusing on other things is the only way to get me through. I will not dwell.  I have turned off my emotions button. 

I have had to block it out so much that I have no feeling about it. My 'illness'. How do I focus on getting better when I can't and won't think about it. 

On my good days I feel like I can pretend. I can put on my happy Alex face and all is well. 

The emotions will come back, maybe the wizard will be kind and let everything go back to normal. 

That is until I'm sat at the doctors and reminded again. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow and then a meeting with the surgeon Wednesday. 

Let's see just how strong Clive is now. I'm hoping he has shriffled into a tiny pin, quivering and ready to give up. 

Knowing him he's holding on in there. But I'm definitely giving him a good fight. 

Xx 

1st October........JUST ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!

Hasn't it come around fast?

It has finally arrived when I can see my last chemo in my sights.  It is in the diary.  The 17th October 2013.

To be honest I have had it in there for a while, but to actually know that it will happen is a big deal to me.  The next big hurdle will of course be the operation.

I know, I know i'm jumping the gun, I always do!  It seems that I have become very impatient.  Who am I kidding?  I have always been the girl that makes her mind up about something and will not rest until it happens.

Unfortunately this has been a long process and one I can not completely control.

My last chemo again was a success.  I was not nearly as bad as the previous one.  No sickness this time, just complete and utter exhaustion.  It is really hard to explain unless you are going through it.  To really try and give people a true picture.  It is a feeling that I do not wish on my worst enemy.

That feeling of pure weakness.  I felt like a frail old lady with weltered skin and a grey complexion.  Walking up the stairs feels like the biggest chore.  On Sunday and Monday I spent the days in bed, drinking water and eating!  Just to get a leg out of bed was the hardest thing to do.  My skin was so sensitive to touch, it almost felt cold every time I moved.  Even sitting in the bath hurt my body!

My head was pounding so much to the point where at five in the morning I reached for the pain killers.

Oh and the joys of hot flushes!!  I'm so pleased they have arrived.  All in all, not a pleasant experience but again not nearly as bad as before so there is a silver lining.

I got up and dressed today and walked into town.  I needed the air, and not being able to go to the gym is very hard for me.  I keeps me sane, and fit!  I did not anticipate walking back up the hill with three bags of food, oh and a baby!  I had to stop nearly six times to catch my breath.  Even my nephew at one point stared at me with these confused eyes.  The tiredness is so draining.

Soon enough it will all be over and I will continue with the next hurdle.  That is how I see them, hurdles that I have to jump one at a time.

I have my first appointment with the surgeon next week.  I have an ultrasound first to determine if the chemo is doing what it should.  It better be!  I do not think my body can stand much more.

By the end of this treatment I will be on my arse being dragged across the floor.

Hopefully after the appointment she (yes my surgeon is a woman, yay) will give me a date in the diary for my lumpectomy.

Clive will soon be out.  He is terribly annoying and I do need him to just piss off now.

I am scared.  What if?  That is the worst phrase ever conjured up by anyone.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I have to go through it all again?

I can't think like that but sometimes fear does kick in.  Only occasionally when i'm awake, sweating like a fifty year old menopausal lady, do I think about the what if's?

Being positive 24/7 has become a full time job, but one I think I am getting rather good at!

Right now I guess I can only think of the near future.  That my chemotherapy is working, (fingers crossed.)  If its not what the hell is it doing?

That Clive will be gone soon enough and I will have my life back.

I want my life back.  I want my hair back, I want my bottom lashes back.  Leg hair you can stay away though.

I want it all back.. All that Clive has ripped apart, I want back.  And I will not stop fighting until I do.

xx

A special blog update to help another cancer survivor

Hi there,

This is not a usual update from me.

I have had an email from a lady named Heather posted on my latest blog update.  She has asked me to help her out with raising awareness for a very rare cancer that she has suffered from in the past.  I feel like it is my duty to help and as I have so many loyal followers I thought why not.

This lady is truly amazing

This is her very brief story .......

I am a wife, mother, and a mesothelioma survivor. When my daughter was 3 ½ months old, I was diagnosed with this rare and deadly cancer, and given 15 months to live. 

Despite my grim prognosis, I knew that I needed to beat the odds for my newborn daughter, Lily. It’s been 7 years now and I feel that it’s my duty to pay it forward by inspiring others.

In honor of Mesothelioma Awareness Day tomorrow, I want to use my personal story to help raise awareness of this little known cancer, and to provide a sense of hope for others facing life’s difficult challenges. 

I would love it you would help me spread awareness by sharing the campaign page on your blog so hopefully your readers will participate! My goal is 7,200 social media shares - your support will help get me there!

Here is the link: www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness

Please read this and share if you can.  Lets help this inspiring lady get her message across.

Thank you xx

A hairy situation

So I thought as I am nearly at my penultimate chemotherapy session I would update you all on my hair growth/hairloss situation.

So far I have been very pleased with how everything has worked out.

At the beginning of treatment you feel as if you will look in the mirror one day and not recognise yourself.  I had this fear as I have said before.  But I do believe this is a choice.  You can either give up and let it happen, or you can be like me and refuse to look ill.

(In public anyway.  My poor sister and brother in law have seen me at my worst!)

I went to Look Good Feel Better day last Tuesday and it was fab. They teach you how to do makeup properly, and how to create looks when you have no hair. How to draw eyebrows on etc.

It is a charity that was set up 20 years ago.  My goodie bag was amazing!!

I unfortunately was not used as a guinea pig as I still have hair but there was a young girl, my age who had ovarian cancer( for the second time). 

She had had the same chemotherapy treatments as me. Well there was not a hair on her.  I mean no where! She was as bald as they come. 

I looked at her then I looked at me and thought, my goodness I am really lucky. My hair is really holding on in there!! I still have hair on my arms and legs.  The razor has not been chucked yet!

So I have decided to give you a glimpse into the reality of what it can be like having cancer and still trying to look as good as possible. 

My eyebrows are the first things I would like to show you.  I am going to recommend to anyone who is starting treatment or god forbid anyone who may find out they are too suffering, go and get your eyebrows tattood!! 

It costs a staggering £395 but totally worth it!! I went to Essex.  If I want anything like that done, I go to Essex, they know what they're doing!

Before....

(Excuse the pouty picture but at the time I did not think to take a picture of my eyebrows, not close up anyway)

After...

As you can see my eyebrows before and after are not that different.  I even had them threaded the other day!

I've lost a lot around the end of the brow but because they are tattood, you really can not tell. I use an eyebrow pencil to colour in the few missing at the front and hey presto I have perfect eyebrows and I do not look like E.T!! 

And when chemotherapy is finished they will give me a second coating so they will be more defined. Best money I have ever spent. 

I know that they will all eventually come out but I'm not worried now thanks to my tattoo and my tutorial on eyebrow penciling. 

My eyelashes are really hanging in there! They have become a lot shorter and there are a few that are missing but I think I had a hell of a lot to start with! 

Again I know eventually they will come out but because I have eyebrows I won't look so weird.

Before picture...

After...

As you can see they are little bit more like spiders legs but I can still put mascara on, just!  The bottom ones are holding on too.

My hair on my head is growing slowly. I am still wearing my scarves as they look pretty and also because I refuse to be the colour that is coming out! 

I'm a natural blonde don't you know!!! 

So like I have said before when I can dye it back to its original colour (cough cough) and it has grown a little more I will lose the scarves, not perminantly. It's funny, but I think even when my hair grows back I will continue to wear scarves. They really can look so pretty. 

In terms of relaxation and keeping myself looking as good as I can.  (Remember, I am vain, a trait I get from my father) I am looking after my skin and nails.  I paint my nails every couple of days and thanks to my wonderful friend Nat, I am using nailtique.  A pure protein that helps keep your nails in tact.

She brought in back from LA, it is cheap over there, about $12 whereas over here it costs around £25.

My skin is playing up a bit but I had a facial the other day.  I did not ask if I could, I just went.  I needed a pick me up.  It was the nicest facial I have ever had.  The beautician was very sweet and gave me a head massage instead of the usual arm massage just in case it would cause any harm. I went to  Beauty of Weybridge if anyone is interested.

Anything was better than the horrendous massage I had a few days earlier where the lady poked my face for a good twenty minutes!  No joke.  At one point I wanted to open my eyes and ask if she was playing a trick on me!

A full body it was not.  She stopped at my arms.  I thought that she was just getting ready to do my legs and she literally stopped, washed her hands and said she had finished.  I walked out of there stiffer than before I went in.  I was not impressed.

So all in all everything on the hair and skin front is good. And if in time I lose the rest of the lashes and brows then so be it, I am fully prepared to still look like me and not like an alien. 

It ain't cheap this cancer situation! I'm more high maitanence now than I ever was!! 

Wish me luck, Clive is getting brutally crushed on Thursday. 

Until then.....

xx 

19th September....Finally vertical

So it took 6 days for me to actually recover from docetaxol.  Being up right is a real treat.  They were the longest 6 days of my life!  Being that ill is horrible.

I think the last time I was that ill, I had tonsillitis and was in bed for about a week.

It really makes you appreciate being well.  It is like when you have a horrendous hangover and you swear you will never drink again.  You are pleading to feel better but the ache doesn't go away.  It is only the next morning when you feel good again that the relief sets in and you feel amazing.

That is how I felt. (Why do I always relate everything to alcohol? It's slightly worrying? I truly may be a lush!)

So whilst I am up and about for this week I intend to make the most of it.  I am back to work, albeit for 3 days but still it gets me out of the house.  And I am off out with the girls on Saturday night for an italian.  Anything to enjoy the freedom of feeling better.  Until next week when I will be shot down again and run over.  I wait patiently for the truck.

Maybe I wont be so ill next time.  Yeah right.  I am not that lucky.  Although I do not mind now.  I have two treatments left so if I have to spend a total of 2 weeks in bed then so be it.  I have all the time in the world when I am recovered so I can cope with it.

The one thing that I have realised is never to take your health for granted.  To all you readers, appreciate that you wake up every morning feeling good.  I can not wait to just feel good again.  To look good again.

To be able to just go and get my nails done without worry.  To go to the hairdressers and have my hair done, to go to a salon to have a massage.  Even to take such silly things like paracetamol for a headache without questioning it first. It is strange to think what we do without even blinking yet when it is taken away you realise how simple life is when you have good health.

My mum asked me the other day what I wanted for Christmas.  To be well is the only thing I would like, oh and for santa to give me a leg up on the old hair.  I would like a bob for Christmas!

Too much? The way my hair is growing it may not be impossible! 

I still have eyelashes, they are a lot thinner but they're holding on. I never quite appreciated how lovely my lashes were!  My eyebrows are still in tact.  So much so that I'm gonna get them threaded later! 

Knowing my luck the next treatment they will all fall out so that'll be a waste of money! Although gotta look as good as I can whilst I still have hair! And enjoy it too. Again I'll miss plucking and waxing when it's gone. (If it goes) my hair is a tough bird, it's hanging on in there!! 

I will keep you posted about the hair, I know how much you all want to know! 

I must just mention that my tumour is nearly non existent! My lump was very prominent just above my right nipple. It literally stuck out, it was hard and ridged. 

Thanks to the chemo it has become much smaller, softer and basically disappearing. I am so happy. 

So long Clive, your being incinerated!!!

Ha I'm winning but in the end I always do! 

Xx 

10th September 2013.....the truck has arrived

Docetaxol you are the devil.....

I was going to leave this update a bit longer but then I thought, why?  You want to hear my story so here it is, all of it.

I write this from my bedroom, where I have been cooped up since Saturday night.  I have been horizontal for so long I am now on a slight wonk!

The truck arrived at full speed ahead.  When they tell you 'it's like a truck' oh boy do they mean it.  It literally means exactly what it says on the tin!

I should be pleased.  No lying ey?  Well 'Clive' is driving that truck so fast he is hitting me, then reversing, then hitting me again.  I can see him laughing.  Laughing at my pain, the bastartd.

He knows this is hurting.  The fec was just too easy he thought.  I let him have his laugh and this evening i'd had enough.  Time to stop wallowing.  He will not win.

So how am I actually feeling?  Well combine the worst food poisoning, fill the bowl with the flu mixed with the worst heart burn and exhaustion just for good measure.  Mix it together and that it a tiny bit of how I am.

I have not eaten in 3 days apart from some  Jewish chicken soup which was made for me by Sarah. Their penicillin as they like to call it.  It really works.

On the plus side, (there always has to be one)  I am thinner.  I know, I know its not the be all and end all but a girls gotta feel good about something.  And yes I am aware that when I breath again I will put the weight back on but let me revel, just for the night.

All in all I have never been so ill.  I was scared to admit this at first.  I still, in my mind wanted people to think wow how strong, how well i'm coping but then, why would I lie?  I will have good days and bad days and these are my bad days.

All I can say is thank god for a spray tan!!  My friend came over and laughed at how well I looked.  It's the tan.  It works wonders.  Although I think in a years time they will all say to me, by the way you really did look like shit!!  I'll cope.  I look in the mirror everyday. I'm not stupid.

I am still not upset or low.  I am still in good spirits.  I'm just bored of feeling like death.  (maybe not death, wrong thing to say) but you get it.

My strength is knowing that even though right now 'Clive' thinks he's winning, I know he is not.  He is a bully, trying to push me down, but I told you all,  he picked the wrong girl.

My friends have been amazing.  I have had messages everyday from so many people just wishing me well.  That is my strength.

I am on so many pills that if you turned me upside down I would rattle.  Do not put me through an xray right now, I do not look good.  They better be doing something right.

I have the pleasure of an injection once a day in the fat of my stomach.  Thank god for the love handles.    It is to boost my white blood count.  I let my sister loose with the needle.  It is a scary process letting her jab me.  I'd better not piss her off!  It really is a mind field of all the pills and fluids that goes into making me better

I really should look at the labels before putting stuff in my body but right now even lifting my finger hurts.  I did not even know that I had any feeling in my finger tips.  Well I do.  I have feeling on the bloody hair on my arms!!

So as I have felt so awful I decided, as any girl does, to shop.  So I have booked a holiday to Dublin, tickets to see Miss Saigon and I have purchased a new Jimmy Choo handbag off my friend.  All in all a very expensive day but hey I've gotta smile through the pain somehow.

Me.....a shopaholic?  No, just expensive taste.  'Clive" hasn't really changed me.

xx

7th September 2013 only 2 left!!!

Where the hell has these past few months gone?  At the very start of this process it looked like a very daunting and very long journey.

I will not lie, it has been but the time has flown by.  I remember a few girls I have had the pleasure of 'meeting' through twitter and have become an amazing support network saying to me, the time will simply fly.

I did not believe them until now.

I am now starting to understand them.  I can not believe that I have had 4 out of 6 chemotherapies and my next one is the penultimate.

It seems so totally unfathomable that I actually have the potential to see my finish date.  Not my chemo finish date but my actual finish date.

My doctor has already told me that I will have another meeting with my surgeon Isabella to have a date in the diary to look forward too.  It really is all too much, I actually well up at the thought.

Yes my emotions seem to be coming back.  Don't get too excited, just a few!

They will come pouring out of me when I hear the words I have wanted to hear since I was diagnosed. (well one will hope so anyway!)  My friend asked me the other day how I was really feeling.  I say the same to her as I do to all you fellow readers.

I have absolutely no idea and I do not think I ever will.  This will all be a dream one day.  It will always stay with me and with my charity that my friends and I have set up it will always be beside me, I just do not know if I can ever really explain my feelings.  I do not think it is such a bad thing either.

So as for my 4th chemotherapy session.  Well so far it has been easier.  My herceptin was a piece of cake.  No side effects, no bad reactions, not sickness, nothing.  A complete breeze if you will.

My docetaxol, the new drug, well not so bad.  I have not had the deathly bone ache yet.  This will come, that is a promise. I was all hooked up and ready to go, my veins are holding in there, good body!!

I have stocked up on epsom salts.  An old fashioned recipe that my grandmother used to use for joint ache and something I have been religious about this whole time I have had 'Clive'.  It, I think has helped a lot.  A long hot soak in a bath with these little gems will do the trick.

For those of you just starting out I do recommend.  It has helped me to relax, and to sleep.  Do not get me wrong, I have had the odd night where I have not slept but all in all I can't complain.

It is a powder that is pure magnesium.  It is a gentle detox for aches and pains and helps release toxins out of the body.  All you need is a cup full, straight under hot water and have a bath for a minimum of 15 minutes.  Buy the pure epsom salts, not those mixed with anything.  They do not work as well.  Any fancy chemist will do them, but not Holland and Barrats, they are mixed with aromatherapy.

I am also waiting for a district nurse to come over and inject me with some unknown drug to help my white blood cells.  So far she is a no show.  Oh good, I will have to drive myself to the hospital later.  Hopefully I will stay on my side of the road and not fall asleep whilst driving.  If you are near the A3 at around 4.00 pm, stay clear.  A mad woman in a blue polo will be all over the place.

This whole experience so far if I am allowed to be a little sentimental has taught me a lot about myself.

I have learned to not sweat the small stuff.  I have always been the glass is half full kind of girl but now more than usual.

Looks are still important but it teaches you to really love yourself more than you would think.  It is teaching me to really love life and to enjoy and look forward to little things, like a glass of wine with a friend.  Simple things in life.  One day I would like to think I will share my love of life with my soul mate.  I do believe this will happen now.

So far I have learnt that I have have better friends than I could have possibly ever comprehended.  You girls know who you are.

A family that has showed me true support, kindness and a structure of love that I could have only dreamed of.

And strangers that have become like family without even knowing them.  Again you know who you are and thank you.

I know I am jumping the gun a little but why not.  I have only the future to look forward too.  I may be feeling so exhausted that even typing this paragraph is making my fingers hurt.

I have not eaten properly in 2 days because the thought of food makes me feel ill and no matter how much make up I put on I look and feel like death.  But hey ho, thats life.  It will all be over soon.  (God only really knows when.)

But for now I am in a good mood and I intend to stay like this.  Well at least until the truck comes and whacks into me, but I will keep you posted on that.

Talk soon.

xx

25th August 2013

So last night I went out on the town with my friends, had loads of champagne and shots and got home at 5 this morning...hanging!!

Wait a minute, no I didn't, thats just how I am feeling!!

Sometimes I think I'm invincible. That my body can survive anything. Then something happens and it brings me back down to earth.

I went to London yesterday day. Trains and tubes then walking around in the rain was not a great idea! 

It has been 11 days since my 3rd chemo and I still don't feel right, but I want to believe I am. London was lovely but I got home and I thought I'd caught a fever! I had the hottest bath, wrapped myself up in a fur blanket and watched television. I went to bed worried that I had made myself ill and I would end up in hospital.

I knew I had pushed myself a little too far but I tend to ignore the angel and listen to the devil. (yes they are still on my shoulder and will be for the duration of my treatment.)

I eventually fell asleep after I'd prayed to him upstairs and asked to be ok. Tears fell, I couldn't stop them.  

He answered my prayer. I woke up feeling better. Not 100% but better. The moral to my story? Stop thinking I can do everything. 

I've never been a great ill person. I pretend I'm not, pop a lemsip into a cup and I'm on my way. To be this vulnerable is not good for me. It makes me feel weak. Weakness is not in my vocabulary.  It is hard to take a step back and actually say to myself... stop. I'm not saying stop everything but I have to remember that I need to take time out for me and not feel that I will let people down if I can't make something. I have the rest of my life to be social!! Being tired also makes me emotional.  Strength is only good when I am feeling good.  When my guard is down I tend to collapse and the tears just fall.  I thought they had dried up to be honest but they haven't.  It is actually a relief to know I still have an emotion.  Sometimes I worry that I have suppressed my feelings so much that they will never come back.  The tears let me know I am still human and I do need a shoulder occasionally.  That shoulder is my mother.  The strongest most wonderful woman I know.

I am also worried about the next 3 chemotherapy sessions as they will be a lot tougher so I have been told.  Like I said in my last post I am also preparing to lose my eyebrows and lashes. I look healthy at the moment. Soon I shall look like a boiled egg.  I am trying to picture it in my mind. 

The one thing this whole experience is teaching me? Learn to take a small amount of time for yourself. Life is so very precious and I intend on being around for a while.

So today I got up, went to the gym, nothing strenuous just light exercise and then I returned to bed.  I have moved from the bed to the couch.  It has been a day of rest.  I will have a bath and return to the couch.

My appetite is a little off today.  Perhaps because everything tastes like nothing.  I can't tell you if something is nice because I literally have no taste buds.  It is the weirdest thing.  

Hopefully by next week I'll be back to 'normal' and can enjoy that feeling until my next hit. 

On a positive note my hair is growing.  The cold cap is working very well and although the thought of wearing it again is already making me feel nauseous I will persevere.  I could not cope if it all fell out again. 

On another positive 'Clive' I do believe is smaller.  Good riddance. His presence is extremely disturbing!!

Xx 

18th August 2013 Half way through :-)

So on wednesday I finished my course of fec treatment.  Now I have finished it I will say there proper names.

Florouracil
Epirubacin
Cyclophosphamid

As a friend said to me...FEC off Clive.  I laughed.

Those terms are lost with me!  All I know is that they are put in my veins and they know exactly what to do and where to go! (well hopefully anyway).

So now I have finished that course I will start my next treatment.  A new drug or two I should say.  One is a wonder drug specially for my type of cancer.
Her2 is quite an aggressive form and it basically means that it tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 which promotes the growth of cancer cells.

Lost?  Yeah me too.  I really wish I understood it more but I am not a doctor and so I am leaving the decision making to them.  They are my gods.  I can pray to him, the big guy upstairs but the ones down here are the real geniuses.


It is more agressive and less receptive to hormone treatment, well apart from this wonder drug.  Herceptin.  My doctor said to me that having this type of cancer is a good thing because this drug is so good.  I will agree to disagree I think!

That will take a total of six hours to be placed into my body.  It actually only takes around an hour and a half but they need to make sure I do not get any weird side effects from it.  I am having an ECG too to make sure my heart is healthy.  Please god let that be ok.

Then the following day I will be put on taxol.  This is a stronger drug that will have different side effects to what I have experienced so far.  A lot less sickness and more of a constant feeling of being hit by a large truck.  Oh good, what is worse I hear you say?  I have no idea yet.  Lets just wait and see.  So far I have just about managed, only god knows how because I have no idea where my energy is coming from!  It will also apparently strip me of my eyebrows and lashes.  My brows I can handle, as they are tattooed but my lashes.  My beautiful long lashes that I have taken for granted are going to drop out and leave me with bald eyes!  I may not look so glam after this treatment.

Annoyingly I am still shaving my legs!  I mean come on, give me some sort of break!!

So today is Sunday and usually by now I am feeling much better.  I knew last time I wrote I was jumping the gun a bit!  My bad.  I have felt better lets put it that way.  My sleeping pattern is all over the place.  I literally want to sit in the bath and go to bed.  Although once in bed I need to get up.  Again I am up and down, not knowing how I am really feeling.  One minute my sickness has gone and the next I am gaging trying to trick my body into being sick.  Sometimes this works, other times I just look like an insane person!!  Its not a great look.

Today however I have caked my makeup on, placed my headscarf on and I am off out for my brother in laws birthday.  Something fun and easy, hopefully I will not need a quick kip.  You know me, sleep is always on the cards.  Maybe a couple of glasses of Prosecco will do the trick.  Anything is better than water right now.  Water is tasting like the devil.  No taste, it is just bland and boring.  I went to the gym today and I literally was so thirsty I had to hold my nose to drink it.  Sparkling water I can handle.  Maybe bubbles in general are a good way to clear side effects although the doctors would not ever say that.  I am saying it for them.  Alcohol is a winner.

I am feeling up beat in general though.  Knowing that I am half way through is a massive bonus and it means that the end goal is in my sights.  I am not so worried about the operation and the radiotherapy, it was mainly the chemo that was worrying me.  And if I can get through this I can literally get through anything.  I am already dreaming of the day the doctor tells me I am in the clear.  I woke up the other morning crying with happiness, and with a bottle of champers in one hand!  I may be a slight lush, but don't say anything.

Our charity has been a huge success and us girls are so proud of the awareness we have created in such a short space of time.  My goal is now focusing on our first charity event which will be the event of the year.  Yes I can say that because it will be.  My friends and I are working so hard on it that I know it will be amazing.

So as from today I have nothing more to report.  Still feel ill but I will get over this.  My hair is growing which is great and soon I will be able to remove my head scarf, well once my bald patch by my left ear starts to grow.  It seems to be taking its time and this is driving me slightly mad.  Once chemo is over I will embrace the look and rock Jessie J.  She pulls it off so well!!

Enjoy the day people and a quick thank you to those reading this.  All your energy and positivity is what keeps me going.  I can't possibly be doing this all on my own!  I will need a massive holiday and a massive sleep when this is all over.

Bye for now
xxx

4th August 2013

So I'm very nearly half way through treatment and feeling pretty good.  Like I had said in my previous blog that I had very tired days with sickness.
Well everyone came over that Sunday and it was like my sickness had just vanished.  I managed to stay up all night without having a quick siesta between courses and even had a glass of wine!
Go crazy Alex!!

It seems that my body has three days where it allows me to be weak and ill and tired and then it snaps me out of it and makes me get up and carry on. It is like a really bad hangover.  You know, those crazy nights where you drink far too many jagerbombs because it's a really good idea at the time, followed by heaps of sambucca and you get home at five in the morning hammered and laughing.  Then you wake up in your pit the next morning saying you'll never drink again. All of a sudden you wake up a couple of days later, (a word to you young girls watch out, hangovers last a lot longer in your 30's than in your 20's!) feeling fine and you are ready to do it all over again.  That is how this is and to be honest I've had enough hangovers to know how to handle them.

Obviously now, as I have shaved my head I am wearing head scarves in public, which I may add I am quite enjoying.  I can mix and match the colours and styles and almost have a new hair do every day.

Having no hair is much more versatile than I realised.  I can have a different style depending on how I am feeling.  Although anyone who thinks having no hair is cheap think again!  I have become even more high maintenance since shaving my head!
My wig man wants me to die my hair peroxide, which I will but not till my chemo is over just incase I dye it and it all falls out!  I do not need a peroxide head.

It is very strange being in my mind right now.  I still have my eyelashes, eyebrows, all my body hair(I thought there were some perks but I am still shaving my legs!)  In fact the only thing missing is a full head of hair and even that has not completely fallen out.  It has actually grown which means the cold cap so far has been very successful.  I mean I'm not talking lashings of locks but a couple of centimetres.  I wear my scarves because I want to, not for necessity.  I do feel sometimes that I should look a certain way?  I should look ill right?

But what does an ill person look like?

This was the problem I had at the very start of diagnosis.  This was what frightened me the most. That I would lose myself.  That I would look ill and pale and have no hair and walk around looking like a 'cancer' patient.   That I would forget who I was and be a constant reminder when I looked in the mirror that it wasn't my reflection anymore but that of a weak girl, losing her fight with life.
But it hasn't happened.  Nothing that I feared has happened.  Even when I stare at my reflection all I see is me staring back, with slightly less hair and higher cheekbones!

I'm still me, I still wear my full make up, my sister is still spray tanning me, I am still going out, working, seeing my friends.  The only thing that is different is that Clive is hanging around.  And I am feeling slightly guilty or slightly concerned that I shouldn't feel this good.  Are the doctors giving me enough drugs? 
My sister said she thinks I am made of steel.  It must be my mothers genes.  My grandmother had cancer and after an operation at the age of 80 years old,  she woke up,  ripped out her tubes and insisted she went home.  I must take after her. 

Yesterday I went to a friends engagement party.  I got dolled up, put on my wig, I call her Tallulah although I should just call her barbie as she is very blonde and off I went to celebrate.  I had a couple of drinks, messed around with my friends, took stupid pictures and then at 1.30 am I decided I had had enough and I drove everyone home.

My life has not changed at all.  In fact it may be better.  Maybe because it has opened my eyes to all the wonderful people in my life and it had made me realise even more, that I cherish my family and friends so much.

All we did last night was laugh.  Laugh and take pictures.  A great night in my book! I am hoping that this is my good karma.  That the universe has dealt me this bad hand and as a reward for coping it is allowing me not to suffer? 

(A few pictures, you get the idea of the evening with my crazy friends!)

Or maybe I am being daft and the next time I write I will look terrible, feel terrible and want to curl up in a ball and hide!

Who knows, but for now I am enjoying not being too ill and loving my life as a 'normal' person. Well as normal as one can be.  Normal is such a funny word, I have lost all meaning to it. 

My next chemotherapy is on the 14th August.  I do hope  I recover quickly as I have a busy weekend with two birthday parties to attend.  It's all go. 

Clive is trying to slow me down but I will not let him win.
xx