31st May 2013

Normal is a funny word... I want to be, yet I don't quite know what it is. 

Today I felt it. Normality. I went to work with no tears. No pain, no guilt. Just normal. All my friends just let me talk and they talked and I laugh. I laughed a lot today. I've hurt my back. I'm in so much pain, yet it's a pain that I can handle. It makes me think only of that, and not the pain I feel but can not quite explain! 

I put a pair of tights on my head today, to see what I'd look like with a scarf on! A bit daft to be honest but again we all laughed. I'll look ok, good jaw line apparently. You don't look really at the features on your face until you are forced to face reality and go bald. 

One girl found another girls strand of weave on the floor, "here you go Al, a little bit of hair to help you out." I cracked up. The colouring was all wrong. 

I have had so many beautiful messages from friends, family, even my dentist sent me flowers! He's probably hoping that the fake tooth he put in a couple of months ago won't fall out!! That's not a good look and I won't be happy. Bald with a tooth missing is not acceptable! 

Yes, today was a good day. Tomorrow... Who knows. I will have to say good bye to work for a while. The next time they all see me I'll have a wig on! Hopefully I'll have eyebrows, tattoo of course. 

Tomorrow in my head will also be a good day. Just as long as my soppy work colleagues don't start crying! I know they will, maybe I'll cry with them. We'll see. 

Xx 

May 29th 2013

Hello all,

Welcome to my new blog.  I was writing about my dating life and those of other people but something else seems to want to take centre stage!

So what I am about to start writing is an online diary of the journey I am about to enter into.  This may be a cliche to some but to me, this could potentially keep me sane for the next year and beyond!

So here I go.

I'm Alex and I have breast cancer.

Last Sunday May 19th 2013 I looked down at my right breast and there it was.  A lump.  My panic was  too much to bare.  I showed my sister and we decided that it was all going to be fine and that I would call the doctor in the morning.  I did not sleep at all.

Doctor told me it was nothing but to have it checked out just incase and he referred me to an nhs hospital.  I am travelling to Marbella on the 3rd so waiting for an appointment was going to be a struggle.  My mother kindly said that she would pay for me to go privately.

I had an appointment that Thursday.  Those four days were the hardest of my life.  I kept telling myself that everything would be fine and at my age it was likely to be a cyst.  So I had the appointment at Holly House in Buckhurst Hill, Essex on the Thursday. They did an ultrasound and then all of a sudden the radiologist needed to get me a mammogram followed by 3 biopsies.  The doctor came in to hold my hand.  I knew it was bad.

Luckily for me I had to wait just four days for my results.  I started to read everything there was to know about breast cancer, treatments, side affects, the success rate, you name it I was on it.

For those four days I knew that something wasn't right but I kept reassuring myself that all would be ok.  'You'll be fine' were the most used words by all.

The day of results and I was freaking out.  I had prepared myself that I would be ill and that maybe I would have to have the lump removed and some radiation treatment.

NOTHING prepares you for what happens next.

YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER.

It was a bullet through my heart and I couldn't breath!

The doctor was holding my hand through tho and that was it, the sheer shock made me weep.

He continued to talk and then the next blow.  Lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiation.  You name it, I'm having it.  It was a whirlwind of words, emotions.  My head was a blur.  Thank god my sister was there because I literally could not hear a word he was saying to me!!  CANCER is all I could hear.

I will lose all my hair.  For anyone who knows me, my hair is my thing.  It represents me, long thick blonde hair will all fall out and leave me as bald as a babies arse!!

I think that is more disturbing.

My lump is about 2cm so an inch and it has spread to my armpit.  Oh good.  I have another appointment with the doctor on tuesday the 4th to discuss all my treatments and get my dates in the diary.  If all goes to plan I will be having a lumpectomy on the 27th June.

Telling my friends has been the hardest part.  My family are a unit and they are taking it so so.  Some of my friends I am a little worried about lol.  But I do know that I am a very lucky girl and that I have so much support.  I have been blown over by the kindness and love that I feel.

So far coming to terms with this is very very difficult.  The mornings are the worst for me because for a split second I forget that I am ill and that I will forever be known as a cancer patient rather than Alex which is tough.  Those seconds when I forget are the most beautiful seconds and I cherish them.

It is stupid really because I always just wanted to be happy.  But I always was.  I have been the happiest ever, with or without a damn boyfriend!  Which by the way the nurse asked me.

'Are you single alex?'  My god, can I not escape it anywhere.  Laughable really.

I am still off on holiday for 2 weeks rather that the original month which is fine.

I am going to try and enjoy myself as much as possible.

This diary will be just that.  A diary to help me come to terms with what I am about to face.  I know I am not alone in every sense of the word as so many women around the world will be facing this tiring shit awful journey too.

Writing is my therapy.  If I am brave enough I will post videos too.

I guess if I'm gonna do this I may as well do it all.

xx