25th November 2013.. 1 week on

It has been a week since I had my operation. I can't believe how quickly everything has gone! 

I am healing nicely (I think). On the outside I still have my drain in, 24/7. I sleep, shower and go out with this little bag. It's really cramping my style! It's also very frustrating that I can't sleep properly nor can I shower properly. I'm not feeling 100% clean right now because I can't get my stitches or wound wet. 

In one week I will meet with my surgeon to make sure that they have clear margins. This means that the surgeon has to make sure that all of Clive has been removed. If not they have to go back in. This will not sit well with me. 

I'm so close to the finish line that any set back will devestate me.  So far during this whole process nothing has gone wrong. I just hope that continues. Plus I am loving that Clive has gone. 

Am I healing in the inside. Slowly but surely. 

I do feel strange, in a good way. 

Somehow I feel cleansed and new and clean inside like they have removed the devil from me and thrown holy water over the wound. It sounds crazy but I just feel relieved like I'm healed. Even though I'm not out of the woods just yet. 

Again I had a real 'I miss my hair' day the other night. I was looking through old photos and I felt rather nostalgic. It sounds so ridiculous to miss something so superficial but to me hair symbolised my femininity which now I dont feel like I have. 

Luckily after watching the X factor Sunday night, and seeing Jessie J perform made me more confident about the hair. She has died it back dark and has spiked it up. So guess what? I tried to copy. It actually looked ok. I've still got a way to go but I will get there. 

I had my nails done again and my eyelashes are really growing  thanks to revitelash. (It really does work). All these little things are helping me find me again. Soon enough I will be back to the old corker, big hair, big eyelashes big curves! 

Like I said my transformation from being me to being someone I didn't recognise was hard but finding me again will be fun too I guess. I may end up finding a new part of me that I like even better. Who knows!! 

All I know right now is Christmas is coming up and whether I have radiotherapy or not I am enjoying life and learning to love the new and hopefully improved me. 

I am healing on the inside and outside and that is making me happier than I've been in a long time :-) 

19th November 2013...Clive has finally got the message and pissed off with a little help from my surgeon

After 6 months of living with an annoying lump I named Clive, he has finally gone. 

I am writing this blog at 3.30 am from my hospital bed because I can't sleep. I have been dosing for about half an hour and now I'm just chilling out. 

I will not lie, going to the bathroom was interesting. I have a wonderful drip attached to me. This will be my mate for the next week or so.  It's making me feel very uneasy! 

I am on oxygen because my breathing is up and down and I am scared to move around in fear of the pain. 

I look simply wonderful haha 

As you can see I'm still trying to pout!! Look at the eyebrows though! Perfect! 

Thank goodness for morphine!! Waking up from the operation was very strange. Weak is no way strong enough to describe. Drowsy maybe, out of it is what I was. The morphine was great and whatever painkillers they put me on, a godsend. 

I am comfortable in my bed, the nurse on call is wonderful and I love my little button at the side of me to ring if I need anything. I may purchase a bell for home ;-) 

I'm flipping starving and I've already asked what's for breakfast! I've got to wait till 8.30. I've only eaten a sand which in over 24hrs. Yum! 

My emotions are all over the shop.  A little to do with the drugs I suspect. But no real tears as yet,  just the thought of them.   To know that Clive has gone is a huge relief. I am nearly there. It's nearly over. 

The thought of being able to see the finish line makes me feel so extremely wonderful and so unbelievay anxious and nervous. Strange I know. 

My main focus right now though is to get better. Getting my strength and using my very sore right arm to punch Clive in the face (metaphorically of course!) 

The rest will be dealt with at a later date. Emotions.... I just don't have time for you right now :-) 

Xx 

13th November 2013...what a week we have all had

Wow is all I can say. What a week I have had. Since I last wrote, my gorgeous charity workers and I were at the final stages of organising our first charity ball. 

The whole week was filled with mixed emotions. I was working for most of it and we were all rushing around trying to pick up the last of the prizes, calling the bank etc. just making sure everything was in place ready for the night. 

The day of the ball, we were all stressed, excited, rushed, tired and proud. We all knew it would be a good night but nothing could have prepared us for what can only be described as epic! 

All of a sudden guests had arrived and boom we had ourselves a party. 

Everyone was on form, happy, ready to dance the night away. Everyone's pockets were filled with cash. Everyone was laughing, joking and drinking! I think the jaeger bomb was the drink of choice for the evening! It certainly was mine! I lost count. I'm sure my doctor would frown upon the amount I drunk! I blame the guests ;-) 

I even managed a speech, don't ask me what I said. I can't remember. 

I felt so so proud and overwhelmed by the generosity, love and strength from every person in that room. 

I know my family were extremely proud as were my friends. Our total raised was a staggering £43,139.08!! 

A good night wouldn't you say? I could go on and on but I won't, memories for those who were there will stay for a very long time. (There are pictures, they are being edited as we speak).

Be Bald Be Beautiful has also been selected as a community matters charity in weybridge waitrose so pick up your green tokens. 

The slug and lettuce in weybridge are hosting a wig night in honour of the charity so come down and celebrate life and stick a finger up to cancer! 

It really is all going on and next year we will continue to go global. (Laugh away but it will happen.) We have loads of plans so watch this space. 

So how am I generally? Very well is what I am. It has been 4 weeks since my last chemo and I already feel like my energy is coming back. I am starting to slowly get used to my hair. I don't like my reflection still but I will learn to love myself again. Time is what I need. 

My lashes are growing and tomorrow I travel to Essex to have my second dose of eyebrow tattooing!! 

Yesterday I had my first herceptin treatment without chemo. The day was easy although it took them 2 attempts to find a vein! What I don't like is I have to go back to the chemotherapy ward, every 3 weeks for a year. 

I want to be cured and forget, but the treatment goes on along with the tamoxifen I will take for the next 5 years. 

My operation is on Monday. Good riddance Clive. Get him out once and for all!! I am excited and nervous. I don't like being immobile. But hopefully I won't be in bed for long. 

All this time I have refused to let Clive win, he sure as hell won't keep me down after this! 

So all in all everything seems to be heading in the right direction. I took the right path down that yellow brick road. And with a little help from my gorgeous family and courageous friends I know now more than ever that I will beat this. 

I have to face the fact that Clive will stay within my memory forever. But it will get easier. 

The ongoing treatment will be a reminder of strength not weakness.

How can I be sad? On the outside, with a charity that will raise so much money and help women feel beautiful, a blog that hopefully is helping so many and an army of people behind me, I can only smile. 

How I feel inside will eventually smile too. 

Xx 

6th November 2013 getting there

I had my first hair appointment in nearly 4 months! Oh how I missed it. For me going to the hairdressers was a day out. I would sit and drink coffee, read magazines and generally relax whilst I was made to look better again. It usually took around 4 hours in total. 

This trip was a lot shorter. My hairdresser trimmed my Peter Pan/mullet into a chiq crop then died it a darker shade of brunette. I wanted to go back to my 'original' colour but it was not meant to be. Not yet anyway. 

It took 45 minutes to achieve this look. It was also £100 cheaper!! See there is always a silver lining! 

I look at myself in the mirror and I still don't recognise this girl staring back at me but I'm starting to like her. It takes a while to get used too. Hair completely changes all aspects of you with out ever realising. 

I don't know who to be, what makeup to wear. Someone said to me it was very Parisian and very Chanel. (How do they act?) 

That did cheer me up. Apparently I do have a face for short hair! Again we'll see in a years time what people really thought. 

In my head when I talk to people I still have my blonde hair. I imagine it is tied up on top of my head, as I can't feel it. It is only when I get a glimpse of my reflection that for a split second I ask who that girl is. 

Anyone who has lost their hair will understand this.

As for the rest of me. Well for the time being I look like an ordinary girl. Not a 'cancer' patient. Since I ditched the scarves I just look like a girl with very short fair. Funny, I have had a few more looks than normal. People are now judging the haircut. Probably wondering why anyone would cut their hair this way.

I want to shout at them, 'I have cancer' but I can't. It is almost like I need a reason for it. Even though I don't look like a cancer sufferer at all, I feel like that is my new identity and people need to know. 

It has taught me not to judge. Everyone has a story. No matter what someone changes about themselves sometimes it's not a choice and if it is then great. We are only humans experimenting with life. 

I haven't cried since my midnight outburst. I haven't really had time! 

This Friday is my charities first event to raise money and awareness for younger women with breast cancer. 

Henrietta, Charlotte, Katie, Katie and myself started up be bald be beautiful. Not forgetting Timmy and Nat(although living in LA she has been there in spirit) This charity is to help and encourage beauty from the inside out. To make young girls still feel gorgeous with or without hair. Our aim eventually will be to open a spa for cancer sufferers to be pampered and made to feel special. 

We have over 200 people coming to Wentworth golf club to help us raise money but to also celebrate life. It is a special occasion and I want everyone to enjoy it. Including us lot. Stressed or not! 

So like I said, through all the anger, hurt, pain, frustration and lack of control there are always positives. This ball is our positive. It will be the event if the year! (I like to think big) 

So with all this going on, plus I have been working a lot, I am simply me again. For the time being anyway. Clive has shrunk so much that I have stopped thinking about him. 

My operation will clear him out for good. 

Once he has gone, and I have had radiotherapy and I'm all clear. Well that will be a different story and maybe harder than I realise. 

Let's just focus on the now. For now I'm happy. 

Xx