30th June 2013

Today was the last day that it was normal.  Today was the last day I'd feel completely myself.  Tomorrow everything changes.

At 2.00pm I have an appointment with the nurses at St Lukes  to discuss my treatment, cold cap, injections, and any other questions I have.  Tomorrow it all begins.

In the last 5 days I have had a coil placed in my tumour, this is to monitor where it is.  With chemotherapy it will shrink (fingers crossed) and they need a marker to know where it was.

I have had a blood test.  All bloods came back clear, a very good sign.   I have had another mammogram.  That is so painful.  They literally squash your boobs in a machine and take a picture if it.  Not the most interesting day out I've had!

I have had my hair cut into a very short bob.  I was not ready for a crop.   I thought I would be but when I spoke with my hairdresser he said that it would be easier to do it in stages.  I agreed.  The next chop is in exactly one month.  Although I have decided to try the cold cap I will still have my hair cropped. It is only for my own control.

I have had a tooth pulled out....ouch!!!  That maybe more distressing than the chemo!!!!

I have had my acrylic nails taken off.  My real nails are so weak I am breaking them at every turn.

I have had my eyebrows tattooed on.  They now look very prominent.  All you can see is eyebrow almost like a person who has drawn them on badly, but the beautician did reassure me that they will fade.

I had a phone call from an old friend yesterday.  One of the first boys I truly cared about.  He went off and became someone quite special and married very well, but he has always remembered me.  It touched me, and made me feel even more confident that I must fight.

So I am indeed ready.  There is nothing left to say, speak, discuss, alter.  This is happening whether I want it to or not.  I have a massive fear that it has spread.  I know deep down in my soul that it hasn't but I still can't get it out of my mind.  I guess it is a fear all Clive patients have.  I wish I could delete it from my mind.  The fear of dying has become too relevant.  My strength is unbelievable but there is still that anxious feeling that won't budge.  I am having a bone scan and a CT scan on the 8th July.  I will keep you all posted.

My chemotherapy starts at 9.00am on Wednesday 3rd July.  I am weirdly excited by this.  Finally Clive can be evaporated from my life.  Finally I can see an end date.  I met my surgeon too, a lovely lady who made it very clear that my lumpectomy will not alter my appearance. 

She did say to me that they will do a gene test to determine whether it is a faulty gene and a one off or whether it is in my family.  Fingers crossed it is a faulty gene.  There is a 94% chance of it never coming back once cured!!!!  I need some good luck.

My friends are organising a charity event.  I will not talk about this yet, not until it has been fully discussed. They'll only shout at me and I can't be dealing with pissing them off!

If someone asked me how I am feeling right at this very moment I would not be able to answer for that is an impossible question.  I am numb, irrelevant, weak, strong, confident, scared. Every emotion you could possibly imagine I am feeling.  I am forever telling people that I am 'fine'.  I have no idea what fine means anymore.  All I know is that I want it to start.  I want to wave good bye to Clive.  Evaporate him from my very existence, pretend that this is an extremely bad dream, if that is at all possible.  I want to be able to talk about some thing other than him, yet he is like a giant purple elephant in the room.  I need to talk about him and other people need to discuss him to understand him.

God, Clive you are a pain in my arse!

So the countdown begins.

As long as my blood count stays normal I will be close to laughing in his face by October.   Good riddance I say,  this pest is doing nothing for me or my boobs!!  Any man who thinks that fiddling with them is a good idea, please think twice but if you do just be aware...;-)

xx

My meeting with oncology 25th June 2013

So it's happening. I had my first appointment with my wig man... Then the oncologist. 

Yes I have put these two together, both equally important in my book! 

My wig appointment went very well. The down side was that it was the colour of Barbie (it doesn't suit me, I'm no Barbie) and I still have hair so it kept sliding but the idea was great. Lovely real hair, good length and I liked how it sat. Lovely Stephen from Leo Bancroft will now order me a couple in. He will cut, colour and style the wig for me so it should look like my hair. For the price I'm paying it should look better than my actual hair!! 

I am still going to crop my hair.  I will send you a picture of my new short hair. This will be happening asap. 

But I am going to try the cold cap. It will make my hair thin, weak, brittle and basically crap but it will contain at least an inch of hair. This is a start! If it all goes tits up I'll grab the razor and my brother in law can shave it off, no biggy. The lot will grow back. 

The next part of my day was an hour and a half wait for my oncology appointment. That was just great. I'm nervous as it is and then they make me wait! 

Finally I meet my doctor. Dr Laing, nice guy, no George Clooney but still lovely. He wants me to have bloods taken, an ECG to make sure my heart is ok (and that I have one ;-)) and scarily a CT scan to make sure 'Clive' hasn't spread! Then after all that chemo will start next week. 

I am ready. I know what drugs I'm gonna be given, I won't bore you all, even I don't understand! I have the head scarves, wigs and earrings at the ready. All is left is to start and deal with it. 

My eggs will not be frozen. There is no time. I will leave children up to fate. Right now I need to live and then I will think about my future family. 

I am scared, petrified in fact but like I've said before, my strength is so powerful even I need to question it! 

Things always happen for a reason, not sure why this is all happening right now but still, I will deal with it as it comes. 

Doctor said to me, 'do you want to hear about side effects?' 

No I don't, I will deal with them

as they happen. That's just the way I am. 

After tomorrow I should have a date for chemo.  

Is it odd that I'm looking forward to it? I need to get rid of Clive. He's just hanging around, he's really annoying me, just sat there distressing me and making me anxious. (Seriously its like a frickin boyfriend you don't want. Just my luck!) 

Anyway he'll go soon enough, I've just gotta keep smiling through the pain. Somehow it makes it easier :-) 

Xx 

End of the holiday....22nd June 2013

So I am back in blighty.  What lovely weather I have come home too!!  No wonder people move abroad.

So as you all probably know my holiday was a complete success.  I had an excellent time with my family and I have cleared my head and I am ready for action.

I have my wig meeting on tuesday.  I am hoping that this wig will be so good I will not care that I'll have no hair!  I have to arrange an appointmeent to get my eyebrows tattoo'd at some point and have my acrylic nails taken off.  I have had these on for about 10 years so god only knows what my nails are going to be like!

I have been on a website called anabandana.  They specialise in chemotherapy headscarves, bed hats and hats to put on before wigs and scarves to stop them sliding.  There seems to be so much to do!  All vanity related but this is the only thing I can control so I may as well do my best to look ok.

Whilst in Marbella I did treat myself to a Christian Dior headscarf which is to die for, (excuse the pun).  I have my mothers hermes at the ready and I am about to order some beaded turbans.  I am literally ready for the hair to come out with all my new accessories.

I have decided that I will cut my hair into a pixie crop.  Think Emma Watson after Harry Potter.  I figured that this will make it easier for me to deal with the hair loss if my hair is short anyway.  I have decided that I will try the cold cap.  For those of you who do not know or are not aware of this, it is a cap, like a bycycle helmet that is placed on the head before chemotherapy treatment to help prevent hair loss.  It freezes your scalp.  I have heard many different people say good and bad things about this cap and as I have yet to speak to my doctor I will keep an open mind.  I figured why not.

I have also decided not to google anything now.  I have read such horror stories and I feel like people only like talking about the bad.  I guess we all do, I though would like to focus on the good.  I have a friend called Gillian who contacted me through twitter after reading my blog and she has been an inspiration to me.  She is my age, going through treatment and is the most positive girl I have ever spoken too.  There are other girls who I have contacted through twitter who are also amazing.  Women I work with at Marks and Spencers who are inspirational.  They are the people I am going to listen too from now on.

Never underestimate social networking sites.  They really are the best way to meet and talk to people going through the same thing.

So now Spain has ended and reality is going to kick in.  After my oncologist appointment on Tuesday afternoon I will know exactly what is going on and that, my dear readers is when the fun starts. 

Keep reading.  It's gonna get good from here on in :-)

xx

17th June 2013

So just another quick one from Spain. I have 5 days left in this beautiful country and I have decided that after my treatment I'm gonna have a holiday here and perhaps stay a little longer maybe 6 months or so. 

The less time I have left the more scared I have become. The reality is slowly sinking in and fear is somehow taking over my body. 

I have dreamt every night about wearing head scarves! How I will look bald. I have this huge fear of putting on a huge amount of weight! All extra pressure of an already huge amount,  pressing down upon me!! 

It's funny when faced with a disgusting illness as Clive, death is not my main concern. There is a huge amount of strength within me that has enabled me to disconnect with that word and focus my attention to other things like becoming fat and looking like humpty dumpty!! 

You may laugh but it is really bothering me! 

The other thing that is truly bothering me is the fear that after this whole ordeal, I may not have children or meet Prince Charming! My focus on holiday has deserted the usual jealousy of girls with amazing bodies chatting up the 'fit' men and moved towards the families. Women with children running around the pool hopelessly in love with there mini me's. 

 I met a guy yesterday in passing, we had a brief chat, and in that, maybe 10 minutes I had established that he was perhaps the man of my dreams! 

Unfortunately there was a massive decline in confidence and giving him my number was completely out of the question. ( what would have been the point?) It saddens me that I may never get the chance to find true love. I'd like to hope I do but right now my heart is telling me a different story. 

Que sera sera as they say, a motto I keep too all my adult life. 

My oncologist appointment is on the 25th of June so I will be told when my chemotherapy starts. What drugs I will be on and what side effects to look out for. I'm guessing treatment will start the week after but I'll keep you all posted. 

To those that won't see me till after treatment starts, no starring please! Yea I will be wearing a wig or a wonderful fashion head piece but I will still be me, minus my fabulous eyelashes and eyebrows!! But I refuse to be anything but myself the whole way through! 

Xx 

10th June 2013

A post from sunny Spain. I thought that I would write a few words whilst sitting on the beach getting a tan ( well a slight reddish complexion) and thinking of how lucky I am to have been able to go on holiday to get my head around the next year of my life!

I have been incredibly relaxed out here. I am spending money like its Monopoly money, buying all the cheap crap they sell on the beach only because its only 10 euros and looks great on the beach! I do think that when I return home to England it will look awful although if we get some good weather all this stuff will come in handy. I will need to be as comfortable as possible. 

Yes this holiday has been a life saver. I have literally forgotten my 'illness'. Clive has not really made an appearance in my head. It's like a bad break up that takes time and space to forget. Although I fear this is gonna get messy!! 

Even when I speak of it I feel as if I'm talking about another Alex. A friend who I am concerned about and feel empathy towards. 

I will continue to forget, relax and enjoy. Get a tan, look in the mirror and feel content with how I look. There is less judgment on this holiday. I feel good in my bikini and don't compare myself to every girl I walk past!! Maybe it's confidence that comes with age or maybe Clive for all his crap and pain that is happening and will continue to do so,  will make me the best version of myself! I guess I will just have to wait and see

Xx  

4th June 2013

So this evening I went back to the doctors and found out exactly what was going on.   Previously I was told that maybe I would have a cancer called her2 positive which means that it is slightly more aggressive.  My doctor said that this was unlikely and that I would have my lumpectomy first and then chemo.

Well that did not happen.  I am her2 positive so I will have chemo first.  In my head I had all my dates worked out and that I had time to find a wig, cut my hair, get used to the fact that i'm gonna look weak and ill for a few months but now it has all changed.

To make it worse I will be put on a drug called herceptin and another called tamoxifen which I could(worse case) take up to 10 years!!  It will kick start my menopause and weight gain.  Oh good, it has taken me how long to get to my ideal weight and now I may become fat!!  As vain as it sounds, fat and bald is never a good look!  No offense to those who are!

I was naive to think that poof....I will have my treatments and that would be it.

It is a lot to take in.  This past week I have been good.  I even found a man that will help me get a wig, it was all very exciting.  He works at Leo Bancroft and deals with wigs as part of his job.  I got my head around losing my hair and being bald.  I will just wear massive earrings.  I even had my hair cut today. It is short, well not for normal people but for me it is, and actually I quite like it.  But now everything has been brought forward, I need time to adjust.

Thank goodness for Spain!! Marbella will be a life saver because I will get some sun, enjoy myself and get my strength up to fight 'Clive'.

I did cry tonight, only because I was not expecting to have to take so many pills afterwards.  It is one thing I did not really take into consideration.

I feel deflated and a little sad but like my mum said at least it is happening through the summer months and not winter.

She was awfully embarrassed tonight.  I asked if I could keep my acrylic nails on and have spray tans.  Both yes by the way, just be careful.  I can't help it, I need to know so I can prepare myself for the shit that I am about to embark on.

For now though I am thinking of my holiday.  I fly tomorrow and I am going to have the best time.  I will not forget what is happening to me but a little sunshine and some eye candy is a definite distraction!!

When I return I will grab this bastard clive with both hands and give it a massive kick in the balls!!!!  Nothing will keep me from living, that I am sure of.

2nd June 2013

Just a quickie, nothing too morbid.  The last thing I want to do on this blog is bore everyone to death!!(excuse the pun).  The thing about me and this diary is that I want to write whenever I feel the need.

It is just different because I am fully aware that a lot of people are reading it.  When I had my own diary, it was so confidential I had a padlock on it.  Well I say a padlock but anyone could break into it.  But when you are young you think that it is a highly secure lock!!  I never knew how my mum read it, but she did.  Mortifying!

Now I am older and this is happening to me I feel like, what the hell, share.  I'm gonna be so bald soon that nothing is gonna be able to make me more embarrassed.

I have never been that girl that gets embarrassed easily.  I was not so confident as a teenager but as I grew up I realised that no one could really hurt me.  I mean I have thought the world was coming to an end when the man I loved let me go but now I think thank the lord for that!!

This whole week has been an eye opener for me.  So many people have messaged me there support.  I have friends who are so amazing I will never know how to re pay them and I hope through twitter I have made some more friends.  Girls who are also going through this and have be-friended me and want to help.  The world is a funny place.  We are so quick to look at the negative but recently I have only been shown kindness, love and support.  We as a community need to embrace this.

Right now I am feeling good.  Don't get me wrong, every step I take the words cancer cancer cancer are echoing my footsteps but I am learning to block it out!  I have too, for the time being anyway.

I am taking Henny and Willem to the airport in the morning, (my sis and bro in law) a flight I should have been getting on. But I will be seeing them Wednesday so it is not all bad.
I will fly to Marbella and live it up.  I am going to have the best holiday and smile throughout.  Sometimes that is all we can do.  I'm gonna try and get really brown (sensibly) so when I come home to face the music I look ok!  I am never white, slightly orange is always my complexion.  In a good way, not a chavvy way!!!

I am also not gonna get annoyed by my hair.  On holiday it gets so big and frizzy!  Well hair... I give you permission to be as big and annoying as you wish.

I will keep you all updated.  If you are reading this and following my journey you will literally get the good, the bad and the ugly!!  Thats the only way to write a diary.

Im off to bed now after drinking a bottle of wine.  Wine is now my best friend!  At least until I start my treatment.  In the grander scheme of things wine may be my enemy and the reason I have got this 'clive' crap (clive is what I call it because the C word is a little too hard for me).  Why Clive you ask?  Well its a random name so why not!  Anyway I wish you all a good nights sleep and I will speak again soon
xx