Monday 28 October 2013

28th October 2013

I'm starting to resemble Peter Pan!!


My hair is growing upwards.  Oh and its very fluffy.  It is thick at the back and at the crown but slightly thin at the front.  Before too long it will be a mullet.  I am not sure how I feel about this.

I have ditched the scarves.  They were my comfort blanket.  I liked that I could hide this awful mousy brown/grey thing on top of my head.  Now I have no excuse.  Chemo is over and there are women out there who are brave enough to embrace their hair cuts, some shorter than mine.  At some point I knew that I would have to take a breath and realise that this is me.....take it or leave it.

The hair envy is still there but now I am trying to channel Natalie Portman after her film V for Vendetta.  No, I know I look nothing like her but I am trying to pretend.  Fantasy is so much better than reality wouldn't you agree?



My sleep pattern is slightly better than before.  Like you all know I had 3 nights where I literally did not sleep.  It was horrendous.  I tried everything to sleep.  I drunk camomile tea, I read a book, I counted sheep (never quite understood that) and yet nothing worked.  I eventually went to stay with my mother by the coast and she tried everything too.  Luckily a change of scenery was what I needed and I am getting at least 5 hours sleep.  It is not a lot for me, (I like 8 hours) but it is enough for me to try and function as a human rather than a zombie.  My skin is resembling a healthier glow with the help of a spray tan.  Not so grey, but more of an orange tint.  It really is better!!

So last time I wrote I was also a little lost.  A little stuck at the crossroads of the yellow brick road.  I still am to a point but I am starting to stop worrying so much about the little things.  I will find my way I always do in the end.  Sometimes when you stop searching and worrying you find that life just happens.

One thing I have realised throughout all this is that I want more stability in life.  Weird to some but for me, I want to invest in my future.  I have been house hunting and found the perfect place.  It is not in Weybridge but nearer to my mother in Emsworth.  I am still near to my friends, (50 minutes away is not far)  yet property is so much cheaper down here.  When I am fully recovered and have been given the all clear my life can begin again. 

As for my emotions.  I sat in my bed on one of the nights that I could not sleep and I cried.  No I sobbed.  My tears just fell onto the duvet.  Onto my skin.  I could feel them and no quicker was I wiping them dry were they returning.  It is a very hard, very long journey and when I figure it out in my own head you guys will be the first to know.

Until then, know this.  Life is not as bad as it could be.   I may have hit a stop sign down the yellow brick road but I think I know what path I want to take.  If the witch gets me so be it.  If I can deal with Clive I can deal with her, whatever and whoever she or it shall be.

xx

Wednesday 23 October 2013

23rd October... The start of something normal

I'm lying on my couch thinking about how I'm never going to feel the pain of side effects of chemotherapy again!

It's a lovely feeling. But what now? 

Stupid question to some, but those reading this going through treatment will get it or soon will.

The worst is over wouldn't you agree? Everything can go back to normal. 

Although there is so much good happening I still feel so impatient.

Please let me be clear.  I am happy.  Very happy that this part of my life has come to an end.  But on my glorious journey down the yellow brick road I have hit the cross roads.

Clive is still here. He's still in me, haunting me, making me question everything I do. I still can't have a simple thing as a massage without a doctors note! 

It's a very controlling relationship this one! 

In my mind I wanted my life back the minute chemo was over. All of a sudden my hair would grow long again. My eyelashes would come back and I would feel like me again. But why would I feel like me with hair and eyelashes? I don't understand why I feel like that. I haven't changed.  I know there's more too it,  I'm just not sure what it is yet. Or maybe I do and I am not ready to admit it.

Somehow I feel as though if I can control the physical appearance,  the emotional side effects will be easier to deal with.  Maybe it is the lack of control in so many ways that frustrates me. 

Yesterday I stared at myself in the mirror. Really stared. I haven't slept. Not properly slept in about 2 months. I have broken sleep. I wake up around 3 and can't go back. For the last 3 nights I literally have not had a wink of sleep. I get so hot then cold then hot. Really these hot flushes are so much fun! 

I looked at myself and just thought... Oh my god. I looked awful. Simply awful. I'm pale(and believe me I'm never pale) gaunt and so tired. In fact I looked grey! It wasn't a nice sight. It's the end result of a very long and painful three months. 

My sister tells me I look good. I know she's lying. I laugh and joke and say that in a years time she'll tell me the truth and that I really did look like crap! 

The grey complexion is really not helping. No amount of make up can get rid of it! The dark circles under the eyes that are so sunken nothing can get rid. You know girls... The time when you can apply and apply and apply make up and it just doesn't do anything but mix with your complexion. Whatever grey and nude makes, that's the colour. It's not an easy colour to name! 

Maybe tea bags and cucumber could be the next thing to put on my to do list! And a hell of a lot of sleeping tablets!! Herbal just don't cut the mustard. 

I keep getting hair envy. Everywhere I turn there are girls with beautiful hair and I'm jealous. Considering I'm probably going to grow a mullet I should be! 

I'm gonna wear my wig more. I love hats. Hats with no hair makes me look ill! Hats with hair, good look! And when my hair is long enough I will have extensions put in. Until then I will keep measuring it and buying any shampoo that has the potential to make it grow.

I have 5 weeks until my operation to remove Clive. Who knows what will grow in 5 weeks. A lot I would think. 

In 5 weeks I will have a better colour. It'll be a fake one mind you. A spray tan does wonders to the skin and believe me, I'll be having a few!! Its great to live with someone who can literally drip feed me tan!

The sleep, maybe not so great.  There is something on my mind.  I know it.

As for the emotional side.  Lets just deal with one thing at a time.  Its like a puzzle I guess, little by little.

I guess I won't know anything until I finally reach Oz and ask the wizard. 

Xx 








Thursday 17 October 2013

17th October 2013....And my chemotherapy is over.

I feel exhilarated, drained, happy, sad, lost and overwhelmed.  I had this date in my diary since the start of this first hurdle.  I can't believe I am finally at the end of it.

I sat in that chair today looking around at all the women.  Most of them were new.  They looked scared, asking so many questions to the ladies next to them.  Living the unknown.  Just like I was 3 months ago.  Scared and anxious, fearing the future.

I couldn't quite believe I was walking out of that door today saying goodbye to the hardest time in my life.  I burst into tears, I could not help myself.  My mother just held me and patted my back.  She felt it too.  She has been with me through every chemotherapy session.  She has experienced it all with me.  The pain, the tiredness, the anger and the hope.  She has been through it all.  She definitely felt it today.

And yes it has been.  The hardest 3 months of my life.  I can only think of one other time that drained me so emotionally that it took time to recover.  Something I am still to this day trying to over come.  This hurdle is no different and I fear that for the rest of my life I will remember what I have been through.

Not with sorrow or pain, but of strength.  If I can get through this I feel I can get through anything.  I feel strong, successful and powerful ready to start the next chapter.  Clive is ready to leave.  I feel that he knows it too.  He has lost the fight and is going down with no power left.  I have won.  This round anyway.

My operation is set as you all know for the 18th of November.  So I get to enjoy the next 5 weeks of chilling out, working hard for our charity event and also an event that is being held in my honour and for our charity at the Slug and Lettuce in Weybridge on the 16th November.

There are good times ahead.

So what I would like to share with those of you who have just started treatment, or for those who are going through it and are struggling a little.  My advice for all of you, the ways I coped and kept me strong.  They will not work for all of you but maybe a few will stick.

1.  Drink.  Water, water and more water.  At some point it will lose all taste.  I suggest adding fresh lemon to it to give it a sweeter taste.  Drink the day before the day of and the day after chemo to wash out all the toxins and to give your body cleanliness.

2.  Exercise.  I went to the gym 5 days a week for the 2 weeks that I felt ok.  I did not always do hard core workouts but I did cardio and some weights.  It helped to clear my mind, make me feel strong and helped me mentally.  To feel like I was fighting and staying the same as I always was helped me a lot.

3.  Try not to lose who you are.  Still go out, still socialise, still maintain normal day to day activities.  Remember, Cancer does not control you, you control the cancer.  The moment you let it consume you, is the day it wins.

4.  Like number 3 if you can still try and work.  I only worked towards the end, 3 days for 1 of the weeks, but it kept me living a normal life.  Yes I am a cancer patient, but I am still Alex.  I never wanted to lose my identity as a strong lady ready to fight.

5.  Try and get up when you feel ready after the side effects have worn off.  I got up and dressed everyday.  I put make up on every day.  I colour co ordinated my scarfs with my outfits.  I made cancer fit to me and not the other way around.  I, to the outside world did not look like a 'cancer patient'.  Something I never wanted to be.

6.  Stay positive.  Stay focused.  I knew from day 1 that this would not beat me.  I listened to my gut.  To the pit of my stomach and I knew that I would live.  Cry when you need to but stay strong.  Life will carry on and so should you.

7. Eat well but do indulge.  After a while you will unfortunately lose your taste buds as I did.  I ate what I wanted but still ate fresh vegetables and fresh red meat and protein.   I also took Vitamin D tablets once a day for my immune system.  They, I felt worked.  Maybe it is the power of the unconscience mind but who cares.  If you believe something is woking it will.  If you can maintain a healthy weight it will make you feel better.  I have put on 6 lbs.  I am annoyed but it could have been worse.

8.  I used the cold cap but I did shave my hair off.  For those of you scared to go bald, even though bald is beautiful do try the cold cap.  It hurts and it is uncomfortable and you look like a total prat but give it a go.  I lost my hair but managed to keep my root.  It is worth it.  (Even though I cant go near a freezer or air conditioning in fear of feeling how I do at chemo!)  My doctor was the one who persuaded me to keep it going even when I was ready to give up.

These are the things that I stuck with.  Sometimes it was a struggle.  Sometimes I wanted to lock myself away and cry but I couldn't and I will not.  Maybe when it is all over, but not yet.  Not until I know for sure that Clive has disappeared and never to return.

Lastly let your friends and family help.  I have had the most overwhelming support and I never quite knew how much I was loved until I needed it the most.  Nor did I quite know how much I loved until you are put in this position.  Love is a very powerful thing, embrace it.  It helps.

So now I am being over sentimental. I cant help it.  I am not jumping for joy right now but I have a feeling of relief.  And I am so tired I could sleep for a month.  I obviously won't.  But I will allow myself a week of pain like all my other side effects but know it will be the last time.

Everything after this will be a breeze so I have been told.  I hope so.  Chemotherapy is no walk in the park but I do feel I have got off lightly.  I believe that positivity in life is the key to success.  That has helped me get through this and it will continue to do so until the day I die.

Life is funny, it throws you a curve ball and you just need to know how to react.  Like I always say, everything happens for a reason.  I think I know why this has happened to me, I just won't jinx it yet.

As I heard a few months back, God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.  I must be one strong lady!!

xx

Friday 11 October 2013

11th October 2013.....Clive has been obliterated and ready to leave

There are always nerves when you have an appointment to see the doctor.  The what if's return in great force.

I can't help it, there they are!  Staring at me in black and white flashing back and forth in my mind.  Being positive is great, and I have been through out all of this, but at some point there have to be questions.  If there were no what if's and something awful happened I would be devastated. As they say when you are on top you have further to fall. So I always keep in mind that not everything will go according to plan.

That being said, so far everything has gone EXACTLY how I wanted it too.  I have been very pleased with everything.  At the start of this cruel and daunting journey I placed in my diary the dates in which I thought everything would happen.  So far I have been right on schedule.

So the Monday just gone I had the first ultrasound appointment since they inserted the coil.  My hopes were that Clive had shrunk.  I did not know exactly how much he would have but my hopes were a lot.

Like I had said previously I could tell that he was disappearing but you never quite know.  Sometimes I wondered if I had felt it too much that I was imagining it shrinking!

My fear that the chemo had not been working as well as hoped was playing on my mind and I would have been told that I would need some more.

Luckily for me, that is far from the case.  Clive has shrunk to a quarter of the size and my lymph nodes are almost completely clear.  I cried.  The relief is so overwhelming that all I could do was let out some much needed release.

Tears of happiness that next week it will be the last chemotherapy session and I will look forward to the next stage.

I met with my surgeon on the Wednesday just gone.  She is a lovely lady named Isabelle Karat.  She explained the procedure to me and the risks involved.  There are down sides obviously in which I never really thought about.

As I am having a lumpectomy or breast preserving surgery as 'they' like to call it my right breast will always look slightly different to my left.  It will sink slightly, possibly to half a cup size smaller.  Oh good was my first thought.  She explained that I could wear prosthetics in my bras.  The sadness set in.

All my life I have had certain insecurities like all women.  It took me 30 years to finally be happy with the person I have become.  Before Clive I can honestly say that I felt the best I had ever felt.  Then he came along and screwed it all up.  It is like he knew.  He sensed my happiness and came to rip it apart.

To my mothers horror and embarrassment I then asked the next question.

Can I have a breast enlargement when this is all over?

Yes was the answer, thank god.  Luckily the surgeon was not shocked by this question and reassured me that lots of women have this procedure after a lumpectomy.  My surgeon can do the operation in around two years when I am completely healed.

To some this may sound like a ridiculous question but to me, anything to make this all seem like a bad dream is worth it.  I am not talking Jordan style breasts, just even ones would be nice!

The problem we all have is that Clive rips apart all that is feminine and pure.  Our hair, our nails, our eyelashes and then our breasts.  Everything that makes us women he takes away.  Like I said I want it back and I will grab it with both hands.

My appointment to get rid of Clive is the 18th November.  The exact date I had in my head at the beginning of all this.

The strange thing about all this is knowing that there is an end date in sight.  It feels like forever ago I was diagnosed yet only yesterday that I started treatment.  I suppose when you are engrossed in it, time always moves faster than expected.  Carrying on as if it were not there has been a life saver for me.

The what if's will still be around, for my surgery and radiotherapy. In fact they will be there for the rest of my life. There is no getting away from them.  The haunting feelings will follow me around.  But I guess taking it one day at  time is all I can do and have ever done. The future is for now, completely unknown.

xx


Sunday 6 October 2013

6th October 2013

I've forgotten what I look like with hair! I know that's strange because I have had hair all my life and I look at pictures all the time but I just can't picture it in my head. 

I look in the mirror and I look different. I can't explain it. I am the same person, I act the same, feel the same (although slightly more knackered) and everything about me is the same. But things have changed. 

I didn't want them too but inevitably things had too and I knew eventually I would be caught in the tide. 

It is the hair that changes everything. I miss it. I touched on the subject last blog but it's getting too me. I know it's silly. 

Day to day it's ok, I can deal with the scarves. I do like them. It's when I get ready to go out. I do my makeup, and that's it! There is no hair to roller, to curl and to volumise. I feel half done. Again if I wear my wig it's good but just a scarf. It doesn't quite have that va va voom! 

I stare at myself desperate to see the old me. The girl with the big blonde hair. I can't find her. She hasn't disappeared completely, I know she's in there, but she's lost her way. It's like she's taken the longer route down the yellow brick road! 

All roads inevitably end up at the same destination. Hopefully the Wizard will give me myself back soon enough. 

You would think that with everything going on, I would be focusing on getting better. That's what I hear often. If I moan about something or want something I'm told to just focus on getting better. 

I do you see, but as fate will have it, it's in his hands. I am doing all I can, there is nothing more I can do. So focusing on other things is the only way to get me through. I will not dwell.  I have turned off my emotions button. 

I have had to block it out so much that I have no feeling about it. My 'illness'. How do I focus on getting better when I can't and won't think about it. 

On my good days I feel like I can pretend. I can put on my happy Alex face and all is well. 

The emotions will come back, maybe the wizard will be kind and let everything go back to normal. 

That is until I'm sat at the doctors and reminded again. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow and then a meeting with the surgeon Wednesday. 

Let's see just how strong Clive is now. I'm hoping he has shriffled into a tiny pin, quivering and ready to give up. 

Knowing him he's holding on in there. But I'm definitely giving him a good fight. 

Xx 

Tuesday 1 October 2013

1st October........JUST ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!

Hasn't it come around fast?

It has finally arrived when I can see my last chemo in my sights.  It is in the diary.  The 17th October 2013.

To be honest I have had it in there for a while, but to actually know that it will happen is a big deal to me.  The next big hurdle will of course be the operation.

I know, I know i'm jumping the gun, I always do!  It seems that I have become very impatient.  Who am I kidding?  I have always been the girl that makes her mind up about something and will not rest until it happens.

Unfortunately this has been a long process and one I can not completely control.

My last chemo again was a success.  I was not nearly as bad as the previous one.  No sickness this time, just complete and utter exhaustion.  It is really hard to explain unless you are going through it.  To really try and give people a true picture.  It is a feeling that I do not wish on my worst enemy.

That feeling of pure weakness.  I felt like a frail old lady with weltered skin and a grey complexion.  Walking up the stairs feels like the biggest chore.  On Sunday and Monday I spent the days in bed, drinking water and eating!  Just to get a leg out of bed was the hardest thing to do.  My skin was so sensitive to touch, it almost felt cold every time I moved.  Even sitting in the bath hurt my body!

My head was pounding so much to the point where at five in the morning I reached for the pain killers.

Oh and the joys of hot flushes!!  I'm so pleased they have arrived.  All in all, not a pleasant experience but again not nearly as bad as before so there is a silver lining.

I got up and dressed today and walked into town.  I needed the air, and not being able to go to the gym is very hard for me.  I keeps me sane, and fit!  I did not anticipate walking back up the hill with three bags of food, oh and a baby!  I had to stop nearly six times to catch my breath.  Even my nephew at one point stared at me with these confused eyes.  The tiredness is so draining.

Soon enough it will all be over and I will continue with the next hurdle.  That is how I see them, hurdles that I have to jump one at a time.

I have my first appointment with the surgeon next week.  I have an ultrasound first to determine if the chemo is doing what it should.  It better be!  I do not think my body can stand much more.

By the end of this treatment I will be on my arse being dragged across the floor.

Hopefully after the appointment she (yes my surgeon is a woman, yay) will give me a date in the diary for my lumpectomy.

Clive will soon be out.  He is terribly annoying and I do need him to just piss off now.

I am scared.  What if?  That is the worst phrase ever conjured up by anyone.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I have to go through it all again?

I can't think like that but sometimes fear does kick in.  Only occasionally when i'm awake, sweating like a fifty year old menopausal lady, do I think about the what if's?

Being positive 24/7 has become a full time job, but one I think I am getting rather good at!

Right now I guess I can only think of the near future.  That my chemotherapy is working, (fingers crossed.)  If its not what the hell is it doing?

That Clive will be gone soon enough and I will have my life back.

I want my life back.  I want my hair back, I want my bottom lashes back.  Leg hair you can stay away though.

I want it all back.. All that Clive has ripped apart, I want back.  And I will not stop fighting until I do.

xx
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