In the beginning cancer is easier. I'm not saying you sail through the beginning of diagnosis but you feel safe and looked after. There are doctors, nurses, oncologists waiting to help you. They are at the end of the phone literally.
Whilst going through treatment it's almost like a safety net.
Then it stops.
I am starting to feel anxious. It's stupid and maybe a little pathetic but I've only got two weeks of treatment left.
In two weeks they will send me on my way with a leaflet and a number to help me if I can't cope. It's very daunting.
I am at the same time so excited to get back to normal. To be me again. To not say to people 'I'm going through cancer treatment' but to say 'I beat cancer'.
It's all just very surreal and my heart is filled with mixed emotions. Even when I tell myself I've beaten it, do I really believe it? Do I honestly believe that there isn't even the slightest chance that it could come back?
The emotions are too intense to understand. I don't want to tempt fate by saying I'm ok. Yet it's ridiculous not to say it.
How do I feel? I feel everything right now. My emotions are on the highest volume. I cry at night and then I smile. I get butterflies for no reason and anxiety just sitting at home.
Cancer was funny in the beginning. Now it's just confusing. Clive left the building two months ago and yet he still taunts me.
I guess this is all just a learning curve. One day I will understand all this, but for now I will just have to accept that this is all part of the journey.
No one said it would be easy. In fact no one ever really knew what to say.
I don't think anyone ever will. Saying that this time next week I may be jumping for joy! I'm a little nuts right now!
Xx
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